


Dark before Dawn

by TheSongSmith



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Doctor Castiel, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Forced Prostitution, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, NaNoWriMo, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Castiel, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-08-28 13:21:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8447518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSongSmith/pseuds/TheSongSmith
Summary: When Evil is at your heels, do you ever stop running? 
There's something dark behind the wounded man Castiel finds in the rain, but it's going to take a lot more than a first aid kit to figure out how to stop it. 
Updates (hopefully) every Tuesday and Friday!





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY, SO. This was the project I worked on for last year's NaNoWriMo, and it's been my baby for a whole year, but now I think I'm ready to set it out into the world. Warning, it's gonna be loooooong. but I already have over 20 chapters written, so that's a pretty good head start.

The rain is atrocious. When you think of monsoon season, you think of far away, tropical locations. Cas couldn’t say he knows anyone who’d think of the Midwestern United States, but that’s certainly what it felt like, or at least that’s what he’s thinking as he drives home from the grocery store. What had been a sunny afternoon had turned quickly into rampaging weather, the rain coming down sharp and angry. There was beauty in a storm this sudden and powerful, and maybe Cas could appreciate that more if he hadn’t stepped in not one, but two huge puddles on his way back to the car. Now on the last stretch of road before home, he seems to be alone. Everyone else must have been smart enough to stay inside.

He’s yanked out of his thoughts when a human form suddenly darts across the road in front of his car. He slams the brakes as hard as he can, not a wise idea in this weather, and the car hydroplanes for a minute before finally coming to a stop. Cas gasps out a few breaths, his heart pounding in his ears as he watches the figure disappear into the woods lining the road. _What kind of person runs across the road like that in the middle of a storm?_ he thinks. Something about it makes him uneasy, and he suddenly knows why when he catches a glimpse of the bright red, bloody footprints it left across the road. The blood shimmers in the headlights, and now he knows the answer to his own question: _Someone who’s running from something worse._ Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s parked the car and gotten out, the rain soaking through his clothes instantly. But something in him has to find this person, and if he waits too long the blood trail will wash away. Getting a flashlight out of the trunk, he starts to follow the footprints. At least deep in the woods, the trees block some of the rain. “Hello?” he calls cautiously. “Is anyone there? Are you alright?”

He’s about to give up when the beam of the flashlight slides across something new. It takes a minute to make out, but he realizes that it’s a person curled up on the ground. The trail stops, and he knows it has to be the one he’s looking for. Naked from what he can tell, and filthy on top of the bleeding, he can’t see the man’s face, but he doesn’t move as Cas wanders closer. “Hello?” he says again, softer. “Can you hear me? Are you okay?” When there’s no answer, he crouches down, slowly reaching out to feel for a pulse. The second his fingers make contact the man before him jumps up, scrambling backwards as fast as he can, though it’s made more difficult by the slippery ground. A sound like a snarl comes out of him as he sinks back to a defensive posture, and Cas backs up, holding his hands up. “Woah, woah, easy. It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you. I just saw that you were hurt. I want to help.”

The man doesn’t respond, his green eyes narrowed in suspicion as he watches him carefully. Ribs poke out sharply from his heaving chest, and there’s something so desperately sad in his eyes that Cas has to stop himself from trying to hug him. His whole body is tensed, fear so thick it’s almost palpable, and he’s so still that for a moment Cas thinks he might be talking to a statue. There’s no reaction to his words, and Cas frowns a little, thinking. He crouches down again at this new distance, moving slowly to put himself at eye level. “No hurt,” he says softly. “I promise.” The shift is barely there, but Cas catches it anyway, and something warm spreads through his chest. “No hurt,” he says again. “Do you understand?”

It takes a minute, but very slowly, the man nods. Though he’s still tense, his breathing still tight and frightened, something in his eyes has changed. It looks like hope. “Okay. Good,” he continues, speaking slowly. “I’m a doctor. I can help you.” He shifts again, just barely. Cas sighs softly, knowing that he can’t leave the man like this. “You’re running from something, aren’t you?”

A sad little whine escapes him, and he backs up another step. “It’s okay,” Cas continues calmly. “Whatever it is, I can keep you safe.” At the word, the man inches closer, almost as if he’s fighting himself. “You know that word, don’t you? Safe? It’s alright,” Cas murmurs. “No hurt. My house is right down the road. We can get you clean and warm. I have food. You’ll be safe. You shouldn’t be out here all by yourself. Let me help.” It takes a long time, but finally the man nods. Cas smiles, thrilled. “Okay. Come with me. This way.” The man slowly stands, though hunched over, his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach. Still, when Cas turns and starts to walk slowly back to the car, he can hear the soft shuffling behind him, knowing that he’s following.

 

* * *

 

 

He sees the car coming, but can’t stop for fear that he won’t be able to start again. He doesn’t know how long he’s been running, but it’s long enough that his bare feet are raw and bloody, and there is no trace of the city he started in. His blind fear pushes him forward, across the road, and though he hears the screech of tires he makes it across to the cover of trees. After a few more minutes he stops, the pain in his body too much to bear, and he sinks down to his knees on the spongy earth. A wave of terror washes through him when he hears footsteps, but he can’t get up again, so he does the only thing he can think to do. He makes himself as small and still as possible. The only way to be safe is to go unnoticed. There’s a voice, that much he knows, but his heart is pounding so hard in his ears he can’t really hear it. The footsteps stop, and he thinks maybe the stranger will leave, but then he feels something. A light touch, barely there, but enough to startle him into movement, backing away as fast as he can and slipping on the wet dirt. The man backs up, speaking again, his hands held up, but the words jumble together. He stills, assessing the stranger. Slightly smaller than him, with dark hair that sticks up with the rain. He’s watching him, blue eyes anxious. He starts to move slowly, crouching down to be at eye level. He speaks again, slower now, and some of the words make it through to his brain.

_Nohurt. Ipromise_.

He can’t be hearing that right. Of course this man would hurt him. Everyone would. Still, he can’t stop the flicker of hope that starts in his chest. He repeats the words: _No hurt_. And he’s sure of them this time, that’s what he’s said. After a minute he realizes that the man is asking him something, and he catches on to the tail end of the question. _Understand?_ He’s not entirely sure, but he thinks he’s understanding, though after so long drowning out words it’s hard to let them back in again. He nods a little, trying to tamp down the fear in his chest. He catches the word _Good_ , which can’t be right. No one has ever called him that. Only **boy** and **bitch** and other names that hurt too much to think about. _Doctor_ , he hears. _Icanhelp_. Help. He knows that one. Is he trying to call a doctor? Does he want to take him to the hospital? He won’t go, can’t. Too many people, too many bad things. But no, the stranger isn’t moving closer or reaching for his phone, just watching him patiently. _I can help_. Maybe it’s only him. In the next sentence all he catches is _running…?_ But it’s enough to stoke the fear inside him. He knows, and this is Bad. Anyone who knows where he comes from will hurt him. A little sound escapes him, and he backs up again, but the stranger doesn’t move, just continues to speak softly. _It’sokay,_ he hears now. _Safe._ And that can’t be right. He is never safe. Impossible. But looking into his eyes, he wants it to be true. This man doesn’t seem to want to hurt him; isn’t moving any closer. It’s a trap, he knows, it has to be. But he can’t help it. He wants this to be real. The stranger repeats the nice words again, _safe_ and _nohurt_ , and it makes him feel warm. The next sentence is fast and complicated, but he catches the important words: _house_ and _clean_ and _warm_ and _food_. _Safe._ Maybe the pain is making him hallucinate. There’s no way a stranger would find him and think him worthy of these things. _Letmehelp._

He blinks a few times, but the man doesn’t disappear. He knows he shouldn’t trust it, but he wants to so desperately. After a long moment, he finds himself nodding. The stranger smiles, a wide grin that changes his whole face and makes his eyes light up. It makes him feel so good he almost smiles back, and now he knows he’s in trouble. Because he knows he’d do anything the stranger wants if he keeps smiling like that. _Comewithme_ , he says. _Thisway._ He knows he’s supposed to follow, and the warm feeling goes away the farther the man gets, so he gets up, following him back up to the road.

When they reach the car, the man opens the front door, motioning for him to get in. He takes one look at the clean seat, then back at himself, then whines, hoping the man will understand. He can’t sit there. He’s wet and dirty and bleeding. He’ll ruin it, and then he’ll be in Trouble. But the man smiles again, and it makes him feel calm. _It’sokay_ , he says again. _It’sjustacar. Sit._ That word he understands, and he wants to be Good, so he gingerly slides into the seat. The man looks at him for a moment before opening the trunk of the car and returning with a blanket, which he gently wraps around his shoulders, careful not to touch him. He climbs into the driver’s seat, starting the car up and beginning to drive again. The stranger continues to talk, soft and soothing, though he can’t really understand it. He pulls the blanket tighter around himself, hunkering down into it as he listens. _SupposeIshould’vedonethisearlier_ , the man is saying. _I’mCastiel_. Castiel. That must be the name of this stranger. Something about it makes him feel calm, though he doesn’t know why. _What’syourname?_ A tiny sliver of panic leaks into him at the question. His name is Bad. This is why no one ever says it. But it seems like this man-Castiel-wants to know. Not only that, but he wants him to speak, which is worse. Still, he doesn’t want Castiel to be angry with him for not answering. The man must sense his struggle, because he glances over. _It’sokay_ he says again. _Youdon’thavetotellmenow_. It takes a moment, but he understands. Miraculously, Castiel isn’t angry with him for his disobedience. After a few more minutes, the car rolls to a stop outside a large house, and the rain lightens up. _We’rehere_. Slowly, he steps out of the car, waiting for the man to start walking before following him up to the house. He cautiously steps inside, immediately struck by how warm and light it is. The light is a little jarring, but still welcome, and he closes his eyes for a moment, enjoying the heat until Castiel starts speaking again. _Ithinkweshouldcleanyouupfirst_ , he says. _Whatdoyouthink_? He wishes he could tell him that it sounds like the best idea he’s ever heard, that he can’t even remember the last time he was really clean, but he settles for nodding. Castiel smiles at him again and motions for him to follow. They step into a white bathroom, and he shivers a little, pushing away his memories. _I’mgoingtochange_ , Castiel is saying, backing towards the door. _I’llberightback._ For a moment he panics, thinking that he’s being left, but then the words echo in his head again, _I’ll be right back_ , and he relaxes, nodding.

He hears the footsteps move upstairs, understanding that he’s supposed to wait. To occupy himself, he reaches up for a dark blue towel hanging on the wall. It tugs free of the bar in his hand, and he strokes the fabric lightly, marveling at how soft it is. He gets so lost in it that he doesn’t notice the footsteps until Castiel is standing beside him. Startled, he releases the towel, cowering away from him, certain that he’s in Trouble. He knows better than to touch things that aren’t his. Slowly, the words break through the sound of his frantic heartbeat. _It’sokay. Okay. Nohurt. Promise._ When the strike never comes he cautiously looks up, seeing only worry in the expression of the blue-eyed man. He is confused, but grateful, and he relaxes slowly, which makes Castiel smile again. _I’msorry. Ididn’tmeantoscareyou._ He’s not sure what Castiel is apologizing for, considering he was the one who did something wrong, but he nods anyway, staying still when he reaches over him to turn on the faucet. The bathtub starts to fill up, and he pours something into it that makes the whole room smell sweet. He closes his eyes for a moment, letting the scent calm him until Castiel starts speaking again. He motions for him to get into the tub, and after a moment’s hesitation he drops the blanket, carefully climbing in. The temperature surprises him; it’s warm and pleasant and so unlike what he’s used to, either scalding hot or freezing cold. A small sound escapes him, and Castiel laughs, but it’s not unkind. _Imgladyoulikeit_. He starts talking again, and the only words he hears are _havetotouch…okay?_ He’s confused, but he’s fairly sure that Castiel is asking for permission to touch him. He frowns for a moment, considering it. People don’t usually ask permission. If they did, he’d almost never be touched. But there’s something about Castiel, about the asking, that makes him nod. Castiel seems to notice the hesitation. _I’llbegentle_ , he promises.

He watches as Castiel soaps up a washcloth, the holds out his hand, waiting patiently. Hesitantly, he places his own hand inside the other man’s, relaxing slightly at the small smile he gets in return. A little tremble runs through him as Castiel begins running the soapy cloth over his skin. Castiel pretends he doesn’t notice, continuing his work carefully. The man talks to fill the silence, but he knows that he’s not saying very much. Cautiously, he relaxes into the water as the cloth moves gently along his chest and neck, and when Castiel runs out of words he starts to hum, soft and low. He doesn’t recognize the songs, but they soothe something frantic deep inside his chest, and he can almost feel the notes wrapping around him like a blanket. He gets so lost in the sound that he almost doesn’t notice the hand moving lower down his stomach. He tenses, and Castiel must feel it, because he backs off and starts murmuring again. _It’sokay. Whydon’tyoudoit?_ He nods gratefully, taking the washcloth and carefully cleaning himself while Castiel looks away, occupying himself with getting something from under the counter. He recognizes it as shampoo, willingly tipping his head back to let Castiel pour water over it. A low moan escapes him when the fingers in his hair start massaging the liquid into his scalp, and he feels himself go red, clamping a hand over his mouth. He risks a glance over at Castiel, who’s chuckling softly. _It’s okay_ , he says, and this time he hears it more clearly. _You can relax._ Something stirs in his chest at that, but he pushes it away quickly. It’s not true. It can’t be. Because as soon as Castiel finds out where he came from, all of this will go away. And he’s not sure he can survive that.

 

* * *

 

 

“I don’t know, Charlie,” Cas murmurs into the phone, pacing around the bedroom. “I just have a bad feeling.”

“What kind of bad feeling?” she asks.

He sits down on the bed, toying with the bedspread. “I don’t know. I just…I think something happened to him. Something bad. He’s filthy, for one. And malnourished like you wouldn’t believe. He won’t talk, though I’m pretty sure he can. And he seems to understand some of what I say, but not everything. Almost like no one’s talked to him in years, and he doesn’t know how to hear it anymore. The only time he makes any sound at all is when he’s scared. He’s always hunched over, like he’s afraid of taking up too much space. And who’s out running, naked, in the middle of a thunderstorm, so far that their feet bleed?”

She’s quiet for a moment. “Someone who has something terrible to be running from,” she answers.

“Yeah. I just…I couldn’t leave him there. He was so scared, Charlie. He really should be in the hospital, but something tells me the poor guy would give himself a heart attack. If he’s scared of me there’s no way that would go well. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You did the right thing, Cas. You can care for him well enough for now. He’s lucky you found him, and not someone else. And he let you take him home. He must trust you a little. Maybe when things calm down he’ll tell you who he is.”

Cas sighs softly, nodding. “Yeah, maybe. We’ll see. I have to get back, he’s waiting for me. Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime,” she replies. “Let me know how it goes.”

He goes back downstairs to find the man petting a towel like he’s never seen one before. When he realizes Cas is back he flinches, cowering like he expects to be hit. It’s a startling response, but at least he calms down after a moment. He stays mostly quiet, and even somewhat relaxed, while Cas scrubs the dirt from his skin, only tensing again when the washcloth dips below the water. Filing the reaction away in his mind, Cas gets a suddenly sick feeling as he starts to imagine what might’ve caused it. He pushes it from his mind quickly, focusing on the task at hand. He has to get the man clean and somehow convince him to let Cas treat his wounds. It’s going to take a lot of patience, he knows, but he hopes the fragile trust that’s been built between them will hold up. Gently, Cas massages shampoo into his hair, chuckling softly at the moan in response and the shock written across his face. “It’s okay,” he assures the man. “You can relax.” Rinsing him quickly, Cas gently helps him out, wrapping him in a towel and sitting him down on top of the toilet while he drains the pinkish-gray water from the tub. Finally clean, he seems to be calmer, less of a frantic edge in his green eyes. “That’s better, isn’t it?” Cas says conversationally, not really expecting an answer. He picks up the folded pair of sweatpants on the counter. “Here, put these on for now. I’m going to take a look at your feet, okay?”

He swallows nervously, but nods, pulling on the sweatpants and watching Cas carefully as he gets out his supply bag, settling down on the floor in front of him. Cas watches as his gaze flicks between him and the bag for a moment. “It’s left over from when I worked as an EMT. I’ve kept it up to date, just in case,” he explains. “Let’s see what we have here.” He gently lifts both feet, carefully examining them. With all the blood and dirt washed away, he can see that it mostly came from one sizeable cut across the sole of each foot. He digs through the bag, pulling out several instruments. He glances up at the small, frightened whimper, frowning for a moment. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m not going to hurt you, remember?” Cas considers it for a moment. “Would it help if I told you what I was going to do first?”

The other man nods, relaxing slightly. “Okay then. It doesn’t look too bad. I’m just going to clean them a little, put some antibiotic cream on, and bandage them up so you can walk. Is that okay?” Another nod answers the question, so Cas gets to work, watching his reactions carefully as he quickly cleans and covers the wounds. “Does anything else hurt?” The other man considers it for a moment, seeming to weight the risk, before slowly turning and dropping the towel, exposing his back to Cas. Several angry red lines crisscross the skin there, layered on top of old scars. Cas frowns sadly, gently reaching out and feeling him shiver. “Okay,” he says, keeping his tone calm, though the sight of it makes him want to cry. “I can take care of that.” He finishes bandaging them quickly, trying not to think about how they got there. “Okay, all set,” he says cheerfully. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry. Let’s get some food, alright?”

He nods, hesitating for a moment before slowly reaching out. Cas takes the offered hand, helping him up and into the kitchen. He turns to the fridge, considering their options. “You in the mood for anything in particular?” Cas asks. “We could make pasta…or burgers…” there’s a tiny sound behind him, and Cas laughs as he glances over to find the other man blushing. “Alright then. Burgers it is. I think I have buns downstairs. I’ll go see. You can wait here.”

When he comes back upstairs, Cas has to pause in the doorway, taking in the strange sight. Rather than sitting in a chair, he finds the other man on his knees beside the table. He’s so still that at first Cas almost misses him, but something about it makes a cold shiver travel up his spine. He swallows back the sick feeling in his stomach, marking it down as another piece of the puzzle to consider later. Slowly, he walks over, crouching down in front of the still figure. “Hey. Are you okay?” he says softly. The man glances up, perplexed, and gives a short nod. “Okay. Good. Then why don’t we get you up and into a chair?” Confusion crosses his face, like he’s not exactly sure what Cas is talking about. “You don’t have to do that here,” he says slowly. The other man swallows like this makes him nervous, but he nods, accepting the hand that Cas offers and slowly standing up. Cas pulls a chair up to the counter for him, then sets about making dinner. He can feel the curious gaze on him as he moves around the kitchen, but he doesn’t acknowledge it, instead turning the radio on and humming along as he works. A classic rock song comes on, and slowly Cas becomes aware of another soft sound underneath the music. He risks a glance back over at the man and finds that his eyes are closed, and that he’s humming along to the song. Shocked, Cas’ own voice fades out as he listens. After a minute, the other man seems to realize that it’s quiet, and his eyes snap open, locking with Cas’. He glances away quickly, blushing furiously. “So,” Cas says quietly, “You must be a classic rock fan.” There’s no response besides a small shift, and Cas smiles. “For what it’s worth, you’re very good.” There’s a small twitch at the corners of his mouth, and he gives a little shrug. “You’re just full of mysteries, aren’t you?”

Cas turns back to the food, dishing it out and setting one plate down in front of him. After a moment’s consideration he takes his own seat, leaving a chair between them. “I know you must be hungry, but try to go slow. You don’t want to make yourself sick. I promise you can have more whenever you want.” He talks to fill the silence, telling the man about his life and his job; his decision to leave the big-city emergency rooms behind and move somewhere he could help the more remote people. The man nods every now and then, occasionally glancing over at him, which Cas considers a small victory.

 

* * *

 

 

He can’t even remember the last time he’s eaten anything this good, or felt this good, for that matter. It’s difficult to continue being afraid of this man when Castiel has done absolutely everything possible to make him comfortable. It’s a terrifying feeling, because it’s been years since he’s had a feeling even close to this. As he watches Castiel clean up from dinner, he has a sudden realization: that Castiel makes him feel safe in a way he never expected he’d feel again. It’s both the best and scariest feeling of his life. He knows better than to trust people, even people as wonderful as Castiel. He knows he can’t get attached, because as soon as Castiel finds out about him, he’ll be on his own again. But he can’t seem to help being drawn to the warmth. So for now, he’s willing to accept the kindness for as long as he can. As much as he knows it’ll all come crashing down around him sooner or later, he can’t resist the pleasant feeling that rushes through him whenever Castiel smiles at him.

Speaking of that smile, he’s doing it again, and he’s talking too. _You must be exhausted_. The more Castiel talks, the easier it gets to understand, and it makes him wonder if maybe his brain just isn’t used to hearing nice things anymore; if it’ll take more practice before he can hear the words normally instead of like they’re coming through a wall. He nods in response, realizing that he’s hunched over the table a little, the warm bath and the food making his exhaustion more apparent. _I have a spare room upstairs. Come on, I’ll show you._ He carefully takes Castiel’s outstretched hand, walking slowly upstairs and down the hall. It almost shocks him how nice it is, and something deep inside him yearns to dive into the bed. He hesitantly steps closer to it, following Castiel’s light prodding. He pauses at the side of the bed, looking up again to make sure he’s correct before climbing in. Castiel smiles at him again, carefully pulling the blankets over him. _My room is right across the hall,_ he says slowly. _If you need anything, just come in and let me know. I don’t mind being woken up._ An alarm bell goes off in his head, realizing that Castiel is about to go away. He grips the man’s hand hard, not letting go when he stands. Castiel frowns a little, confused. _Is everything okay?_

He swallows anxiously, wishing he could do something to explain just how grateful he is for everything. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a small white square and a blue stick. He doesn’t recognize them for a moment, but once he does he reaches out for it, trying to remember the proper way to hold this thing ( _pen_ , his brain supplies). It takes a minute to dig through his mind, pulling the word up through his memory, and another to make his fingers form the right shapes.

**_Dean._ **

It’s shaky, and he’s not even sure that Castiel can read it until the corners of his mouth start to twitch up. “Dean?” he repeats. “That’s your name?” Dean nods a little, surprised at how clear the words are now, and Cas’ grin widens. “Well, it’s nice to meet you Dean.”

Dean hesitates for a moment, so out of practice that it’s hard to make the connection between his brain and his fingers. **_Stay?_** he manages to write.

“You want me to stay until you fall asleep?” Cas asks. He nods hesitantly, only relaxing when Castiel smiles again. “Okay. I can do that.” He sits down again, his thumb moving comfortingly over the back of Dean’s hand. Dean settles back, sinking into this soft place. He doesn’t relax so much as he loses a slow battle against unconsciousness. Cas starts to hum again, and it’s only a few minutes before the exhaustion overcomes him.


	2. Chapter Two

Cas stays close for a while after Dean falls asleep, worried that he’ll wake up again, but he seems to be out cold, not even stirring. He wonders how long it’s been since Dean has slept peacefully, and he doubts that it was recently. Once he’s sure that Dean is asleep, he lets himself think over the strange behaviors he’s witnessed, trying to make sense of them. There is no doubt in his mind that whatever happened to Dean was awful. His silence, the way he holds himself, and his skittish nature were evidence enough of some serious trauma. The moment in the bathtub and his kneeling stance in the kitchen give Cas some clue of what happened, but he knew it had to be deeper than he could guess at. Cas looks him over now, noticing the dark circles under his eyes, his pale complexion, and the array of bruises coloring his face and body. He’s far too thin, leading Cas to believe that wherever he was, he was there for a long time. Cas gently turns his wrist over, frowning as he lightly traces the dark needle marks along his forearm. There are similar markings in the space between his neck and shoulder, but something in him doubts that Dean was engaged in willing drug use. The implications of that make him shiver, and he quickly pushes the thought away for later consideration. “You’re never going back there again,” he murmurs to the sleeping man, watching his even breathing for a moment. “I promise.” Slowly, he gets up, sparing one last glance back at the man before slipping out into the hallway, closing the door quietly behind him.

Checking his watch, he picks up his phone, dialing Charlie’s number as he walks into his own room, leaving the door open a crack behind him. She answers rather cheerfully for someone answering the phone at almost midnight. “So, how’s your mystery man?”

“All things considered? He’s doing pretty well,” he answers. “He told me his name. Dean.”

“That’s great,” she says. “So does that mean he’s talking?”

Cas hesitates. “Not…exactly. I think it still scares him a little. He wrote it instead. I mean, he’s only written two words to me so far. I think initiating any kind of communication scares him. But at least I know he can. At least he knows how.”

Charlie makes a thoughtful sound. “That’s interesting. It sounds almost like those cases of abused children who are punished for speaking. Sometimes they just stop completely out of self-preservation. If that’s the case, then it’s huge that he’s tried to connect with you at all.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking you might be right,” Cas admits. “There’s definitely a lot of evidence of serious trauma there.”

“I don’t suppose you know what it is yet?” she says.

Cas sighs softly. “Not yet, though I’m starting to get an idea. There’s been a lot of pieces to put together. Actually, I’d love to see what you think, if you have time.” He runs down the list of odd behaviors for her, explaining Dean’s skittish attitude, the evidence of violence on him, and the strange marks. She considers them all quietly for a few minutes.

“His thing with you touching him makes me lean towards some kind of sexual abuse. The bruising and injuries on him wouldn’t be out of place. But the rest of it doesn’t exactly fit. Unless…”

Cas frowns at the tone in her voice. “Unless what?” he asks cautiously, certain he’s going to regret it.

“Well,” she says hesitantly, “The kneeling thing and the track marks make me think this is more complicated than that. Tell me about it again.”

“It was weird,” Cas explains. “It wasn’t like he fell or got tired or something. I told him to wait, and that’s what he did. It was eerily…automatic and deliberate. Like he barely even thought about it. And when I told him he could get up he seemed…confused.”

Charlie makes a thoughtful sound. “Well that sounds like a trained behavior if I’ve ever seen one. And the tracks…you’re sure he didn’t do that himself?”

“I suppose it’s possible, but I think it’s very unlikely. He just doesn’t strike me as someone who would inject himself with anything. And he has the same markings up near his neck. It would be really difficult for him to get that kind of angle on himself.”

“He has them on his neck?” she repeats. “Well that’s certainly suspicious. Hey, you mentioned that he didn’t seem to be understanding everything you were saying earlier, right? Has that improved?”

“Yes, actually,” Cas answers slowly. “He’s responding a little faster, and he seems to understand more of what’s going on around him.”

“All of which makes sense if whoever had him was drugging him. The longer he’s away, the more they wear off, and the clearer he gets.”

The idea shocks Cas into silence for a moment as the pieces start to come together in his mind. “Okay…but why would they drug him? For what purpose?”

The line is quiet for a moment. “For sex,” she answers finally, “if our first observations stand.”

“You think he was forced into being…what? A sex slave?” he murmurs.

Charlie hesitates. “I think it’s not impossible,” she says slowly. “I mean, you hear about it all the time on the news. These guys kidnap people they think won’t be missed. It would explain the aversion to touch, and the silence, and the whole kneeling thing. Even the needle tracks. I’ve heard of rings like that keeping people drugged so they’re easier to control. I’m sure you saw stuff like that when you were in the city. I can’t say for sure, of course, but it would explain…everything.”

Cas sighs, shaking his head slowly. “You’re brilliant, Charlie. But sometimes I wish you weren’t always right.”

“Believe me,” she murmurs, “I wish the same thing. I mean, there’s a chance I’m wrong. We won’t really know unless he tells you. But…it _does_ make sense…”

“You’re right. It makes complete sense. That’s what has me so worried.” A small groan escapes him, and he pinches the bridge of his nose. “What am I going to do, Charlie?”

“You’re going to take things one step at a time,” she says confidently. “You’re going to make sure he eats and watch out for drug withdrawals and let him know that he’s safe. Once he opens up a little more and we know for sure what happened, we’ll figure out where to go from there.”

“But what if…what if I’m not the best person to help him?” Cas asks quietly. “I mean, if we’re right, we’re dealing with a lot here.”

Charlie makes a sound of disapproval. “Castiel Novak, don’t you dare start doubting yourself now. Yes, if we’re right about Dean, he’s going to need some serious help. But he’s not ready for that yet, and right now he just needs someone to care about him. You’re doing the right thing, and he’s learning to trust you. That’s a huge deal, and if you push or try to get him to open up to other people you’re just going to push him back into his shell. Give him time. Do what you do best. I’m sure it’ll work out.”

Despite himself, Cas smiles a little. “Thank you, Charlie. You always know what to say. Hey, maybe once things calm down a little you can come out and meet him.”

“I’d love to,” she answers. “And I’m only a phone call away if you need anything. Now, you’d better get some sleep. You’ve got your hands full.”

After they hang up, Cas climbs into bed, his mind racing. The more he thinks about it, the more certain he is of Charlie’s theory, and the more his heart breaks for the man sleeping in the spare room. He tosses and turns for a long time before he settles down. He’s just on the edge of sleep when the quiet is shattered by a blood-curdling scream.

Before he knows what he’s doing he’s on his feet and sprinting across the hall. He finds Dean curled up in a tight ball, shaking like a leaf as terrified whimpers escape him. He starts to reach out for him, then thinks better of it. “Dean? Can you hear me? Dean, it’s me, Cas. You’re okay. It was just a dream,” he murmurs softly. “You’re safe, remember? I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” Slowly, his words seem to break through Dean’s blind panic, and he cautiously looks up, his face streaked with tears. “There you go. I’m right here. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I promise.” Suddenly, he finds the trembling man in his lap, clinging to him tightly as he sobs into Cas’ chest. Shaking off the shock, Cas’ arms wrap around him, holding him close. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay,” he murmurs, trying to soothe the harsh sobs. “You’re safe, Dean. No one is going to hurt you. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe with me. Just breathe.” Slowly, Dean’s sobs fade into quiet gasps and sniffles, and Cas rocks him gently back and forth until he starts to calm down. Hesitantly, he looks up, and Cas smiles, gently wiping the wet trails from his cheeks. “You okay?”

Dean nods, glancing away. He swallows, reaching for the paper and pen on the nightstand. **_Sorry._**

“You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Cas assures him. “Just relax. I’ve got you.” After a while, his shaking stops, and he relaxes a little before pulling away slightly. It’s quiet for a minute before he looks up again. “I’m sorry,” Cas murmurs. “It must be terrible.” Dean frowns, a little alarmed, and Cas sighs. “Not that I know anything about where you came from, but I can tell it had to be bad. And I do know a thing or two about nightmares. For what it’s worth, they’ll get better.”

For a moment, he thinks Dean is going to ask him about it, but eventually he just nods and slips back under the covers. “Want me to stay?” he offers. He shakes his head. “Alright,” he says cautiously, straightening the blankets over the other man. “Well if you change your mind, I’m right across the hall. Goodnight, Dean. Sweet dreams.”

Slowly, as if through a fog, Cas wanders back to his own bed, the images of the last hour flashing through his brain and slowly integrating themselves into his gradually clearer picture of Dean. Even having spent most of his career in emergency rooms, Cas could probably count on one hand the number of times he’s seen such absolute terror and pain, and it hurt him to know that something like that was inflicted on someone like Dean. As much as he hopes the man will open up to him eventually, part of him is afraid to know the truth, because he knows it can’t be good. His eyes travel to the small picture frame on the nightstand, and he quickly turns over so he doesn’t have to see it. This time is going to be different. Dean is someone he can save.

Cas has barely closed his eyes when he hears a soft shuffling sound. Opening them again, he finds Dean standing awkwardly in the doorway, looking both embarrassed and petrified. “Dean?” he murmurs. “Is everything alright?” Dean nods, shuffling again. “It’s okay. Come on in.” Cas leans over, turning on the light beside him. “Do you need something?” Hesitantly, Dean takes another step closer, his eyes flicking between Cas and the space beside him. His mouth opens and closes a few times, but nothing comes out, and slowly Cas starts to get an idea. “Did you want to stay in here tonight?”

Dean gives a little shrug and looks away, and Cas knows he’s gotten it right. He reaches over, pulling back the covers on the other side of the bed. “You can if you want. I don’t mind.” The other man looks at him for a moment, as if trying to assess whether or not he’s serious, before cautiously slipping in beside him and pulling the blankets up. Making sure to keep enough space between them, Cas turns off the light again. “Goodnight Dean.”

In the dark, he listens to the tense sound of Dean’s breathing for a moment before the bed shifts. Very slowly, Dean presses closer, bridging the gap between them until a shocked Cas can feel his breath. Cautiously, Cas wraps an arm around his shoulders, hoping it doesn’t scare him away. To his great surprise, he feels Dean relax beside him, his breaths evening out. After a couple of minutes, soft snores start coming up from the man beside him. The relief is so sweet Cas wants to laugh, only refraining so as not to wake him. He shifts a little to make himself more comfortable, smiling as Dean snuggles closer. He waits up for another few minutes to be sure, but Dean seems to be well and truly knocked out, so Cas allows his eyes to close, falling into a rare, peaceful night’s sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to write a review if you like it! I hope you like it because this story is my little baby :D
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	3. Chapter Three

When Dean wakes up, his initial instinct is to panic. He doesn’t know this soft place, and though his eyes stay closed, he can tell from the extra heat that there is a body beside him. Slowly, pieces of memory leak into his consciousness, and he cautiously opens his eyes to find Castiel asleep beside him. He relaxes a little, relieved as he remembers Cas comforting him after his nightmares. Dean had been too proud to ask him to stay again, but after a few minutes he’d realized how much nicer it was to be near him. He’d been terrified that Castiel would be mad, but he didn’t seem to mind, and Dean actually managed to get some sleep beside him, without his usual nightmares and restlessness. The truth was, he felt peaceful when he was next to Cas, and while a part of him was terrified of that, the rest of him wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything. And, though he doesn’t yet have the words to tell Cas how much this kindness means to him, he figures there has to be something he can do to show him instead.

Carefully, he extricates himself from the bed without disturbing Cas, finding his way downstairs to the kitchen. Thinking for a moment, he decides to make pancakes. Though it’s been forever since he’s made anything, he’s a little surprised at how easily it comes back to him. Actually, he’s mostly surprised at how clear his mind is; his thoughts and memories sharper than they’ve been in years. He feels better too, a little less tired. He hums to himself softly as he raids the cabinets, finding the necessary ingredients and starting to make the food. He even manages to find chocolate chips to add to the batter, and he pops a few into his mouth, trying to remember the last time he had chocolate.

While he waits for the last batch to finish cooking, Dean wanders over to the living room, a picture by the fireplace catching his attention. In it, Cas is grinning, a small blonde boy sitting on his shoulders. The child can’t be much older than two or three, and he has the same grin as Cas. Dean frowns at the picture. He may not have been in the house long, but there was no sign of a child having ever been here. He gets so distracted by it that he doesn’t notice the footsteps until Castiel is downstairs. “Dean?” he’s calling. When he finds him, he looks relieved. “Oh, there you are. Is everything okay?”

Dean nods quickly, hesitantly pointing at the boy in the picture and glancing up to him curiously.

Cas smiles, following his gaze, but there’s something sad in it. “Someone I couldn’t save,” he answers softly. He arches one eyebrow, turning towards the kitchen and sniffing. “Did you make breakfast?”

Remembering the pancakes still on the stove, Dean puts the picture back and hurries back, relieved that they aren’t burnt. He slides them onto two plates, setting them down carefully on the counter. Cautiously, he looks up to find Cas grinning. “It looks amazing. Thank you. Come sit and eat with me.” Dean nods, happy to have made him happy. He digs in, a little shocked at how good it tastes. Cas looks over at him with wide eyes. “Wow. This is great. Thanks.” Dean blushes a little, shrugging. They eat in comfortable silence for a while until Cas glances over at him. “So, I was thinking that when we’re done I’d check on your feet, and then I can show you around outside. It was a little too dark last night to see much. Then maybe if you’re feeling up to it, we can take a short ride into town and get you some clothes that fit. What do you think?”

Dean hesitates, not wanting Cas to get annoyed with him and how much help he needs, but he seems happy enough, so he nods in agreement. Cas smiles, pleased. “Good. I think you’ll enjoy it.” It’s quiet again for a while, and Dean frowns down at his plate for a few minutes, running his fork absently through the puddle of syrup. “Everything alright?” Cas asks curiously.

He nods quickly, hesitating. “I…can talk,” he whispers finally.

Cas looks shocked for a moment, but slowly, he smiles, nodding. “I had a feeling you could.”

Dean flushes. “I just…didn’t want you to think…” he mumbles, trailing off.

“Of course not,” Cas answers gently. “I know you’re smart. And I’m sure it must be really hard to talk to me right now. You’re a lot braver than I would have been in a new place with a stranger. Don’t worry about it, okay? You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with here. I won’t be mad if you don’t want to talk to me, and I definitely won’t be mad if you do.”

Dean relaxes a little, smiling gratefully. “Okay.”

  

* * *

 

 

Once they’ve cleaned up from breakfast, Cas has Dean sit while he drags out his medical bag. He settles on the floor in front of him, carefully unraveling the bandages. “Well, that’s looking better already. I think to be safe we’ll keep it covered for now, but you should be just fine.” Dean nods, seemingly relaxed until Cas opens his bag to get fresh bandages, at which point he whimpers and bolts across the kitchen. “Dean?” he murmurs, puzzled. “What’s wrong?” He follows Dean’s wide-eyed gaze down to the bundle of hypodermic needles sitting inside the bag, and slowly the understanding dawns on him. “I guess you’re not a fan of needles, huh? It’s okay, I get it. I’m not going to hurt you, remember? Here, look.” He gathers up the needles, placing them on the far end of the counter, way out of his reach when he sits back down on the floor. “There. See? No more. I’m not like them, Dean. I’d never hurt you like that.”

Something about what he says seems to strike a chord, but eventually, Dean lets himself be coaxed back into the chair. They sit in silence for a few minutes while Cas adjusts the bandages. “How…how do you know…what they did?” Dean asks finally.

Cas glances up, surprised. “Oh. Um…well, I suppose I don’t know, exactly. But I guessed as much. You have needle tracks on your arms. Which, I guess, you could have done yourself, except you also have them on the side of your neck, and that’d be pretty hard to get to. All of which points to someone else doing them on you, and I can’t imagine a scenario in which that would be pleasant.” Slowly, Dean seems to relax, and he nods, accepting this. “Alright, I’m just gonna put this stuff away, and then we can go outside.” He can feel Dean’s eyes on him as he picks up the bundle of syringes again, stashing them in the bag and zippering it in his view before taking it back. He knows he’s being followed, and when he puts it down and turns around, he shows Dean his empty palms. “See? I don’t have them.” Dean flushes, embarrassed at being caught, and looks away. “Hey, it’s alright. I get it. I’m grateful for the trust you’ve given me so far.” He rummages around for a moment, finding a pair of sandals for him. “If we’re going outside, you’ll need shoes. These should work for now. Come on, I think this will cheer you up.”

 Dean nods, and the two of them walk outside together, albeit slowly. The grounds are much larger than he initially thought, and he can’t remember the last time he’s been in the sun. “Hey Dean?” Cas says after a couple of minutes. “I was just kinda wondering…how old are you?” Dean frowns, trying to think, but he doesn’t know how long it’s been.

“Depends,” he answers cautiously. He hesitates, then digs in his pocket for the pad that Cas retrieved for him. **_What year is it?_**

“It’s 2016.” Cas frowns at his shocked expression. “I take it you’ve been gone a long time. What year was it when you last knew?”

Dean swallows, trying to wrap his head around it. “2006. Ten years,” he says softly. “I guess that would make me twenty-eight.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas murmurs.

They make it to a large, wooden structure, and Dean hears movement from inside. Cautiously, he opens the doors, the smell inside somehow familiar. With a start, he realizes that it’s a barn, and that the shuffling sounds are coming from six horses lined up in their stalls. A laugh bubbles out of his chest, and he wanders away from Cas to look at them.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas is just as shocked as Dean is about how long he’s been gone, and he spends a good minute trying not to imagine little eighteen-year-old Dean being dragged underground for a decade. Still, he’s pleasantly surprised at the change that comes over the man when he walks into the barn, and suddenly Cas thinks he’s never really seen Dean relaxed until now. The laugh startles them both, and Cas watches quietly as Dean wanders up to the first stall, holding his hand out to the dark black mare inside. The horse inside sniffs it cautiously, then presses closer, nickering softly. Dean smiles – a real, honest-to-God smile – and leans in to pet her softly. “Wow,” Cas murmurs. “I’ve never seen her warm up to anybody that fast before.”

“Why not?” Dean asks curiously.

Cas walks over to stand beside them. “Well, she’s a rescue. I mean, they all are, but she’s the newest. We found her tied to a fence post. It took days before she’d let me touch her. I don’t know what they did to her, but she was in pretty bad shape. We thought she was going to lose the baby, but she’s a strong one.”

“She’s pregnant?” he asks.

Cas nods, watching as Dean glances down at the lock on the stall. “Yeah, she’s got around five months left now. You can go in if you want,” he says. “She won’t hurt you.”

Grinning now, Dean unbolts the stall door, slipping inside and running his hands in long strokes down her body, laughing as she nuzzles his cheek playfully. “My grandparents had a ranch when I was a kid,” he murmurs in a way that makes Cas think he’s just remembered it. “I used to go there every summer. What’s her name?”

Cas smiles, leaning against the stall door to watch. “Actually, she doesn’t have one yet. We haven’t settled on one that feels right. I’m open to suggestions, if you have any. Especially seeing as she likes you so much.”

Dean blushes a little. “She probably only likes me because I smell like you.”

“I doubt it,” Cas chuckles, watching her nudge him lightly in the chest when he stops petting her. “She never acts like an overgrown puppy when I’m around.”

Dean glances over at him and smiles. “So, you make a habit of bringing home strays?”

Cas laughs, shrugging. “I suppose you could say that. If it helps, you’re the first human I’ve ever taken in.”

He’s almost certain he sees Dean flush before he glances away. The truth is, Cas likes this Dean, the one who talks and makes jokes and smiles. He wishes he could knew how to bring him out more often. “So,” Dean says finally, “Do you care for them all yourself?”

“Not exactly. During the week some of the local kids come to help out. On the weekends it’s mostly just me and Charlie.”

“Who’s Charlie?”

Cas hesitates, trying to figure out how to describe her. “She’s a good friend of mine,” he answers after a moment. “And, frankly, kind of a genius. She’s dying to meet you.”

Dean looks up sharply, alarmed. “You told her about me?”

“Well I can’t say I have very much to tell,” Cas answers carefully. “When I called to tell her not to come today she pestered me until I had to give her a reason. She can be annoyingly persistent. So I told her I found you. But she would never tell anyone about you, I promise. I’d trust her with my life.”

He nods, seeming to relax again. “She means a lot to you,” he observes.

Cas nods. “She does. She’s that kind of person. I think you’d like her.”

Dean considers this for a moment, then glances up to him. “You should tell her to come over tomorrow.”

“Really?” Cas asks, surprised. “Are you sure? I don’t mind. I know it has to be a little overwhelming.”

He shrugs a little. “Yeah. But…it’s been ten years since I’ve met any good people. I think I should probably start.”

The horse between them huffs a little, as if it’s agreeing, and Cas chuckles. “Okay. If that’s what you want, I’ll let her know.”

“Since she’s not here today, do you…need any help?” Dean asks.

Cas smiles. “If you’re feeling up to it, I could always use an extra set of hands. The others can be put out for the day, but she’s still on limited activity. You want to take her out and brush her while I clean out the stalls?”

Dean nods, gently slipping a halter over her head and leading her out of the stall. She follows him willingly, and Dean smiles, kissing her forehead softly. Cas grins to himself, bringing the other horses outside before getting to work and listening to Dean hum to himself. “She seems a little small to be a breeding mare,” he says after a while.

“She’s a little young too, from what we can tell,” Cas answers. “But whoever had her before obviously weren’t the best people. Who knows what they did? We talked to the vet about what to do. He said terminating it would’ve put her under too much stress on top of everything else, and he doesn’t think it’ll be too much of a problem. We just have to watch out for her.”

He makes a thoughtful sound. “So how is it that you’re a doctor and have time to also own a horse rescue?” he asks.

“Well, I wouldn’t consider it a full horse rescue. We only take in a few at a time. But once I started practicing out here I wasn’t so busy. And when you get down to it, it’s almost the same, don’t you think? I do both because I want to help people. Or horses. Actually, I picked horses for a reason,” he starts, then trails off. Maybe it’s a little too soon for that conversation. “Anyway, it’s something I like doing in my spare time. I get to do something good for the world. And it’s not so lonely…”

Cas bites his lip to stop himself from talking, and Dean doesn’t push. They work in silence for a while. “It’s easier to talk, in here,” Dean murmurs finally. “I’m sorry about that. I’m just…not used to it anymore.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Cas assures him. “I know it must be hard, especially after ten years. You can talk as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. I don’t mind.”

Dean nods, continuing his work and occasionally murmuring to the horse. When Cas finishes his chores he comes over to watch them. “What?” Dean asks, noticing his grin.

“Nothing. Just thinking that you’re gonna spoil her. That’s probably the most thorough brushing she’s ever had.”

Dean smiles. “Yeah, well, I think she deserves a little pampering. She’s gonna be a mama soon, and she can’t go out and play with everyone else. I think we should call her Baby.”

“Baby?”

He blushes. “Yeah. It’s kinda what I’ve been calling her. She seems to like it.”

Cas chuckles, nodding and reaching out to pet her. “Alright then. Baby it is.”

Dean nods, then frowns for a moment. “Hey Cas? What do you do with them, once they’re better?”

“Well, once they’re in okay shape we train them, and then we sell most of them to local families. Sometimes I get attached to them, and I keep them. It depends. Either way, they get good homes.”

This seems to make him happy, and he nods. Cas’ phone starts to ring, and he picks it up quickly. He frowns as he listens for a moment, then nods. “Yeah, okay. Come right up to the house.” Dean gives him a questioning look when he hangs up. “One of the people from town. A kid hurt his wrist, and they want me to take a look at it. You can stay here, if you want.”

Dean considers it for a moment, then shrugs. “It’s okay. I can come with you,” he decides.

“Alright then. Let’s meet them at the house.”

Though Dean is quiet again when they leave the barn, he does seem more relaxed, and Cas counts that as a victory. He brings the injured child into his office, calming him down enough to examine him. Dean keeps a distance from them, but seems interested, watching closely. “Well, it’s not broken; just a sprain. I’ll give you a brace for it, and you should be good as new.” When he’s all bandaged and out the door, Cas turns back to find Dean staring at him. “What?”

He shakes his head a little, flushing. “It’s nothing. I just…so, that’s what you do?”

“More or less,” Cas answers, shrugging. “The nearest hospital is almost an hour away, back in the city. There’s nothing closer. So if something happens, people come here first. If I can help them, I do. If not, I do what I can until an ambulance can get here. I can do a lot of stuff here. Fix broken bones, stitches…even some minor surgery. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s a big help to the people here.” Dean is still staring at him, but there’s something curious in his gaze, and this time it’s Cas who feels his face heat up. “What?” he asks again.

“Nothing,” Dean says quickly. He ducks his head, but not before Cas catches a hint of a smile on his face. “That’s…nice.” He glances up for a second. “You’re a good man, Castiel,” he says quietly, though there’s something a little frightened in it. “I don’t deserve this.”

Cas frowns, shaking his head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Dean. You’re a good person too.”

“You don’t know that,” Dean whispers. “You’ve only known me for a day. You don’t know what I’ve done.” Part of him hopes that Cas doesn’t hear, but the way his expression changes tells him otherwise.

Cas sighs softly, considering it. “You don’t know what I’ve done either. But I know what I see. And I don’t see a bad person, Dean. A hurt person, maybe. But not a bad one. Where did all this come from?” Dean shrugs, but doesn’t say anything else on the matter. Castiel decides not to push it. Instead, he changes the subject. “How do you feel about going into town for a bit? I think you’d be more comfortable in clothes that actually fit you.”

Though nervous, Dean agrees. He stays quiet for most of the trip, a little skittish around the people in the stores, but Cas expects as much and does his best to help him relax. He sends Dean to wait in the car while he checks out, and Dean nods gratefully. When the house comes back into view, he visibly relaxes, and Cas can’t help but smile a little. Dean goes upstairs to change while Cas starts on dinner. When he returns, he’s carrying something carefully in his arms. “What’s this?” he asks cautiously.

Cas turns to look at it, smiling when he sees that it’s the brown leather jacket he snuck in when Dean wasn’t looking. “It’s a present. I saw you looking at it in the store, so after you left I picked it up. It’s a little hot for it now, but I figured you could hold onto it.”

A look of astonishment crosses Dean’s face, and Cas watches as he looks back at the jacket with something like longing. “Cas, you don’t have to…I can’t…”

Cas shushes him, shaking his head. “Yes you can. And I know I don’t have to. I wanted to. You’ve missed out on ten years of birthdays and Christmases. You deserve a present or two.”

Dean flushes, but nods, hugging the jacket against his chest. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Dinner’s almost ready. And I spoke to Charlie. She said she’ll be over for breakfast tomorrow.” Dean flushes, nodding. “Changed your mind?” Cas asks.

He shakes his head. “Just…nervous, I guess.”

Cas nods. “Well that’s okay. I’ll be there with you. And she’s not going to do anything. She’s very understanding.”

Dean sighs, nodding and sitting down. “I’ll be okay,” he says finally. “It’ll just take a while to get used to it.”

“That’s okay,” Cas assures him. “Don’t worry. She won’t mind.”

The rest of the night is quiet, and Cas suggests they go to bed early when he notices Dean falling asleep on the couch. “It’s been a long day. I think we could both use some sleep.” Dean nods in agreement, but halts at the top of the stairs, holding onto Cas’ wrist as he looks between the two rooms on either side of the hall. “Dean?” Cas says softly. “Do you want to stay with me again tonight?”

Dean flushes, but nods shyly. “I…I just...”

“It’s alright,” Cas murmurs. “After ten years of being alone, I’d feel better with someone else too. I don’t mind. Come on.”

Dean wants to tell him that he wasn’t physically alone, was never really alone, but that Cas is the only thing that seems to keep the memories from drowning him. He tries, but the words won’t come out, they’re too personal and too terrifying. Instead, he chooses to be grateful that Cas is allowing this weakness instead of ridiculing him, and he follows obediently when he gently tugs Dean into his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS I'm so stressed that an actual flaming pile of garbage will become the next president I could really use some positivity up in here. So if you enjoyed this chapter let me know! Leave me a comment or come chat with me over on tumblr! I love you forever <3
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	4. Chapter Four

That night’s dream is a bad one. He can feel the cold metal pressed against his skin, holding him so tightly he can’t even see what’s behind him. He can feel them though, the eyes on his immobilized body, their voices dark. He can even smell them. He knows it’s useless, that it only makes this worse, but this time he can’t stop himself from struggling against the metal, the panic welling up inside him with each passing second. He knows they’re coming closer, knows there’s nothing he can do, and that he should be quiet, but he’s screaming and he can’t stop.

When he wakes up his chest is far too tight, each gasped breath clawing it’s way in and out but not taking in any oxygen. His first instinct is to pull away from the man beside him, but then he remembers it’s Cas. Cas is here. Cas is safe. He lets himself be pulled closer, gripping onto him for dear life and trying to hear his voice over the sound of his heart pounding. “You’re okay,” he’s murmuring. “You’re safe. I’ve got you.” But Dean can’t get his body to listen, to comprehend, and he shakes his head, hoping Cas will understand. Cas’ grip on him tightens, and Dean is fairly sure he feels someone kiss his temple, though he could be imagining it. “I’m here. Dean, look at me.” This, at least, he manages, slowly looking up into Cas’ worried gaze. “You’re not there, okay? You’re right here with me. They can’t hurt you. It was just a dream. You’re okay. You just gotta breathe.”

Dean shakes his head again, trying to choke out words in between gasps. “Ca…can’t…I can’t…” he whimpers out.

Cas shushes him softly. “Yes you can, honey. I’m right here with you, and we’re going to do it together, alright? Hold on. All you have to do is listen to me, okay? You’re going to get sick or pass out if you keep breathing like that, and I don’t want that to happen. So we’re going to breathe together. Can you feel how I’m breathing?” Dean manages a shaky nod. “Okay. Then I want you to try breathing with me. I’m going to count them out for you, and we’re going to breathe in for four and out for four.” He whimpers again, and Cas runs a hand through his hair gently. “It’s okay. Just give it a try. You can do it.”

He counts, starting just slightly slower than Dean’s breathing now, tapping out each number against his shoulder to help him feel it. Gradually, he spaces the numbers farther apart, waiting until Dean’s breathing matches his before slowing down again until they’ve reached a more normal pattern and Dean starts to relax a little. Eventually, he stops voicing the numbers, continuing to tap them against his skin while he murmurs softly to the trembling man. “You’re doing good. Easy now. Just breathe for me.” Though Dean’s grip on him remains tight, the tension in his shoulders slowly leaks out, and he takes deeper breaths. “You still with me, honey?” he asks after a while.

Dean nods against his neck, breathing out the numbers himself against Cas’ skin. He feels another kiss at his temple, and he’s more sure of it this time, but he doesn’t mind. His breaths still hiccup occasionally, but the knot in his chest has loosened, and he doesn’t feel so out of control.  After a long time he braces himself, slowly looking up. “I-I’m s-s-sorry…” he stutters out.

Cas shushes him softly, shaking his head and gently wiping the wetness from Dean’s face, though he hadn’t realized he was crying. “Don’t say you’re sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m so proud of you. You did so good.”

Dean sniffs a little, still holding onto him tightly and letting his head drift to Cas’ shoulder. “I d-don’t know what h-happened…”

A hand strokes lightly through his hair. “Whatever you were dreaming about must have been frightening,” Cas murmurs. “You had a panic attack, that’s all. I know it’s scary, but you’re okay.” He rubs Dean’s back lightly for a moment. “Let’s go take a walk, okay?” he suggests. “We’ll get you a drink on the way.” Dean nods, holding onto him tightly as he shakily stands up. Cas keeps an arm around him, letting him press close and lean against his shoulder. The contact is soothing, giving Dean something to hold onto when the memories try to push their way into his head. He accepts the glass of water Cas offers gratefully, sipping from it quietly and letting himself be led outside. Cas walks slowly, keeping Dean tucked under his arm as he leads him across the lawn. Dean finally looks up when the familiar scent hits him; dust and leather and hay. Cas pulls him down to a bench, and Dean smiles gratefully as his heartbeat slows, listening to the soft shuffling in the barn. Cas looks over at him for a moment. “Okay. I’m listening.”

Dean looks up at him, frowning and digging in his pocket for his pen. **_What?_**

“It’s your choice, of course,” Cas says softly. “You don’t have to tell me anything at all if you don’t want. I don’t want you to feel like you have to. But I think one of the reasons your nightmares are so strong is because your memories are trying to get out. So, if there was anything you wanted to talk about, I’m here to listen.”

Dean hesitates, considering it for a moment. As much as he wants to tell Cas everything, if only to stop holding it all in, the voice in his head insists that it’s a mistake, that once Cas knows the truth about him, everything will change. **_I’m afraid to tell you_** he admits.

“Okay,” Cas answers calmly. “Why is that?”

“Because if you know what I did…you won’t like me anymore,” he murmurs, looking away. “I’m not good like you think I am. And I don’t want things to change.”

Cas is quiet for a moment, and Dean isn’t brave enough to look up at his expression. “Dean?” he says finally. “Please look at me.” Slowly, he glances up, surprised at the concern on his face. “Dean, whatever it is, it would never change the way I think about you, and it certainly wouldn’t make me not like you. I don’t want you to tell me because you think it’s what I want. I only offer in case you want to talk. And it doesn’t have to be now either. But I’m not going to turn on you, no matter what you tell me, or when.”

Dean considers it, weighing the pros and cons silently. He’s quiet for so long Cas thinks he’s not going to say anything at all. Finally, he looks up. “When I was eighteen,” he says cautiously, “I went out one night, and on my way home I was jumped. I got knocked out, and when I woke up…I was in a cage. A cell, I guess.” He pauses to check Cas’ expression, which is mostly just patience. “I…don’t know what you’d call it,” he continues softly. “But it was a huge operation. There were…maybe a hundred of us? And these guys would come in…customers. We had to stand up in our cages, and they’d…pick one of us, and…pay for whatever they wanted to do. It was…sort of like a brothel, I guess, except we were all prisoners, and…what they wanted to do was worse.” He risks another glance up at Cas’ expression, shocked to find it carefully neutral. In all the ways he imagined this reaction going, that wasn’t one of them. **_That doesn’t bother you?_**

Cas frowns for a moment, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t say it doesn’t bother me. It makes me very upset and angry that you had to go through something like that. But as far as how I think about you, it doesn’t change anything.”

Dean stares at him for a moment, thrown off by his calm reaction. Finally he swallows, continuing. “The dream I had tonight…it was about this one particular room. There was this thing…a whole bunch of metal parts that hold you down on all fours in a way that makes you…present.” Cas frowns a little at that. “That was always the worst,” Dean murmurs. “There’s one that goes around the back of your neck, and you can’t see anything…” He shivers a little at the memory. “They called it The Rack. They used it a lot, to train us or punish us. It’s pretty hard to keep a hold of your dignity and self-respect in that position. But some of the customers used it too. They liked the idea of forcing us to submit. There’s not a whole lot you can do to protect yourself like that…”

Suddenly, he finds himself in Cas’ arms again, Cas gently wiping the tears he hadn’t realized were there. “I’m so sorry,” he’s whispering. “I’m sorry you ever had to go through that. And I promise you, I won’t ever let anyone hurt you like that again.”

Dean sniffs, wiping at his own face. “I’m s-sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying so much…I stopped crying years ago…”

One corner of Cas’ mouth twitches up. “There’s nothing wrong with crying, Dean. You were traumatized every day for ten years. I think you’re allowed to be a little upset.”

A twisted little chuckle escapes him. **_I know some people who would disagree with you on that,_** he writes back. **_I was always taught that men don’t cry._**

Cas frowns a little at that, shrugging. “Well, those people aren’t here, now are they? My house, my rules. And I say you’re allowed to cry. Better out than in. Besides, if you want to know a secret, men cry all the time. Especially the ones who say they don’t.”

Despite himself, Dean laughs softly. “Yeah, I always kinda thought so.” He sighs, pressing closer and allowing himself to seek comfort. The sharp pain in his chest and head are soothed by the solid warmth of Cas’ hold and the steady heartbeat he can feel under his cheek, and soon he finds himself relaxing into the other man’s chest. Part of him is still frightened, worried that the closeness is unwanted now that Cas knows the truth, but then Cas smooths a gentle hand down his spine, seeming to understand his need for reassurance, and that part falls silent.

“You gonna be okay?” Cas murmurs after a few minutes.

Dean nods a little. “Yeah. I think so. Thanks for calming me down. And for listening.”

“Any time.” He doesn’t have to look up to hear the smile in it, but when he does he frowns, puzzled, at the wet tracks running down Cas’ face. He reaches up, lightly brushing them away, and Cas glances down at his lap. “I’m okay. Just…Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but...I’m really glad I almost hit you with my car.”

Dean laughs, nodding. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m kinda glad of that too.”

“Hey Dean?” Cas says after a minute. “What if we did this again?” Dean frowns a little, glancing up at him curiously. “You said it’s easier to talk in here, right? What if we made this our spot? So if you want to talk about something, you don’t even have to ask. You can just bring me down here, and I’ll listen.”

Slowly, Dean smiles. “Yeah. I…think that’d be good, actually. Just in case.”

“Okay,” Cas says, smiling back. “Then it’s a plan. Ready to try sleeping again? Charlie will be here pretty early.”

Dean nods, though reluctantly, and stays close as they make their way back to the house. Back in bed, he hesitates before tucking himself up against Cas’ side. “…Cas?” he whispers after a minute.

“Hmm?”

“Is this too close? I can back up...”

He can’t see the smile that breaks across Cas’ face, but he can feel the soft chuckle and Cas’ arm tightening around him. “Goodnight, Dean.”

 

* * *

 

 

In the morning, they both wake up to the sound of movement in the kitchen. Dean frowns, alarmed, but Cas chuckles. “Just Charlie,” he explains. “Sounds like she’s making breakfast. How are you feeling?”

Dean considers it for a moment, smiling slightly. “Actually? Pretty good.”

“Good,” Cas answers, smiling back. “Let’s wash up and see what she’s up to.”

Dean goes first, and when Cas finishes his shower he finds him dressed and pacing anxiously in the bedroom. He smiles, offering his hand. “Hey, relax. You’ll like her, I’m sure of it. Come on, we’ll go together.” Dean accepts the hand, nodding gratefully.

When they reach the bottom, Charlie pokes her head out of the kitchen, grinning and wiping at the batter on her cheek. “Morning boys! Hope you’re hungry. I’m making waffles!” She disappears again, and Dean raises an eyebrow, amused. Cas just shrugs, leading him into the kitchen. Charlie checks the waffles before turning back towards them, smiling. “You must be Dean. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Charlie.” She turns back towards the waffle iron, not seeming to expect a response, which is oddly relieving to Dean, who sits down quietly. She talks cheerfully as they eat, and he finds himself warming to her, even joining in the conversation a little. “So, Dean,” she says after a little while. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m not a hundred percent yet,” he admits. “But I’m getting there. Better than I’ve felt in years.”

Charlie nods sympathetically. “I’m sure it must be a relief. And please let me know if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You don’t have to worry about me being offended or anything. I understand.”

Dean smiles a little, nodding. “Thanks,” he murmurs. “You’re doing a really good job so far.”

“I told you she was good,” Cas says. His phone starts to ring, and he picks it up, frowning and wandering away a little. When he comes back he sighs. “Sorry, There’s a quick case I have to take a look at. It shouldn’t take too long.” He glances at Dean. “You can come with me if you’d like.”

Dean considers it for a moment. “Actually, it’s okay. Charlie and I can hang out in the living room while you work.”

Cas nods and tries to contain a smile, though Dean can tell how happy he is. “Sure. Whatever you’d like. I’ll see you in a little bit, then.”

Dean and Charlie clean up from breakfast, with Charlie making up most of the conversation until they move to the living room. The picture on the mantle catches his attention again, and he takes it down before sitting down on the couch again. “Charlie?” he asks cautiously. “Do you…know who this is?”

She looks at the picture, something sad crossing her expression. “Did you ask Cas?”

“I tried,” he admits. “But all he said was that it was someone he couldn’t save.”

Charlie gives an exasperated sigh. “He would say something like that.” She glances over to the closed door of Cas’ office, then looks back at him conspiratorially. “Okay,” she decides. “I’ll tell you, but only because it’s for his own good, and I think having you here helps him. The kid is Cas’ son.”

Dean frowns at that for a moment, considering the small blonde boy. He sees it, of course, in the wide smile and the way his eyes crinkle at the corners. “I…didn’t know he had a son,” he murmurs. “Where is he?”

She hesitates. “No one around here knows about him. It’s…kind of a long story, but…I guess we have some time. Here’s the thing. Cas’ family…I’m sure he doesn’t tell you about them either. You’re not missing out; they’re pretty awful as far as people go.  They run some kind of financial firm or something. They’re very rich and very powerful, and they weren’t very pleased when Cas turned out different.”

He tries to imagine how anyone could be disappointed in someone like Cas, but can’t quite manage it. “What do you mean, different?”

“Well, when he went to medical school instead of business school, they weren’t thrilled. But they accepted it because they figured he’d make money anyway. But then he told them he’s gay, and that went over about as badly as those things go over.”

Dean is surprised for a moment, but nods. “They disowned him?”

Charlie shakes her head. “Worse. They arranged a marriage for him. Some girl in one of their friends’ families. From what he told me, she was pretty awful. You know, the stuck-up princess type. Cas was miserable with her, but he felt like he didn’t have another choice. Both of their families were putting pressure on him to marry her, and then once they were married they all wanted a grandkid. He was stuck.”

Dean nods a little. “I know what that feels like…”

“Yeah. Well I guess eventually it worked, and they had Luke. He meant everything to Cas. It might not have been much, but he made him happy. He loved that little boy more than anything.”

“So what happened?” he asks cautiously.

Charlie frowns. “Well…Cas was still working in the city at the time, in the emergency room of the big hospital there. And one night there was a car accident, and they brought them to his hospital. It was Luke and his wife. Apparently his car seat wasn’t buckled right, and he fell out when they hit. I think Cas was blindsided a little. They didn’t know who they were until he saw them. He worked on the kid for two hours trying to bring him back, but it was too late. It’s just like Cas to try and take blame for that. He’s that kind of person. He wants to save everyone.”

Dean sighs softly, looking at the happy little boy in the picture. “So that’s when he moved out here?”

“Yeah. He said he was tired of the city, but I think he just couldn’t go back in that hospital without seeing him. So he came out here. I think he started taking in horses as a way to cope. Apparently Luke wanted to be a cowboy when he grew up. And I think he had to convince himself that he could still save someone. So I started coming over to help. But mostly to check on him. Someone had to make sure he wasn’t shutting himself in this house of his.”

He nods, carefully putting the picture back on the shelf. “Has he tried? I mean, is he…okay?”

Charlie considers it. “He used to. But he’s gotten better. I mean, as okay as someone can be after something like that. He’s sounded a lot better since he found you. I think he gets lonely out here.”

Dean smiles a little, glad that he’s doing something for the man. “He saved my life,” he murmurs quietly.

Charlie nods. “Maybe you saved his too.”

Just then, the door to Cas’ office opens, and he herds his patient towards the door before coming back. “I miss anything?”

“Nope,” Charlie answers. “But I hope you’re ready to get your hands dirty. Come on.”

They head out to the barn, and Dean grins, walking up to Baby’s stall and petting her softly when she sticks her head out. “She missed you,” Cas chuckles.

“Woah. She really likes you. When did that happen?” Charlie asks.

“Yesterday,” Cas answers her, grinning as he watches Dean. “He’s her new best friend.”

“I can see that. Alright, we’ll give you two some privacy,” she teases. Between the three of them, they get the work done quickly, Cas and Charlie sitting down to watch Dean finish grooming her. “I think if horses could purr she’d she purring up a storm,” Charlie laughs.

“Dean thinks she deserves it because she can’t go out and play with everyone else,” Cas explains.

Charlie nods. “That’s sweet. Hopefully not for too much longer. Benny is coming this afternoon.”

Dean glances over at them. “Who’s Benny?”

“The vet,” Cas answers. “He’s coming to check on her today. Maybe it’s a good thing you’re here. She’s not very cooperative.”

Dean chuckles, rubbing her forehead. “Don’t worry Baby. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

They manage to finish lunch before Benny shows up, chatting happily and enduring Charlie’s playful teasing. Dean grabs for Cas’ hand when the vet’s attention is drawn to him, and Cas squeezes it back lightly. “Benny, this is my friend Dean,” he says, not a hint of hesitation in his voice. “He’s staying with me for a while. Dean, this is Benny.”

Benny nods, reaching out to shake his hand, which Dean accepts after a moment. “Nice to meet you, Dean. It’s good to know someone’s keeping Cas from being a shut-in.” Cas makes a sound of protest, and Dean chuckles. “Well then, let’s go see how our girl is doing, shall we?” They head back to the barn, Cas and Dean trailing a little bit behind, hands still linked. Cas looks at him questioningly, and Dean gives a small smile in answer. He’s nervous, but he’s okay. Cas seems relieved, releasing Dean’s hand to let him wander up to the stall beside Benny. Immediately, Baby’s attention shifts from Benny to Dean, and she presses her head into the palm he holds out. Benny chuckles. “Well, look who made a friend. Maybe if you come in with me she won’t get mad at me.” He carefully lets them both into the stall, and Baby skitters a little, watching Benny warily.

Dean frowns, getting her attention again. “It’s alright Baby,” he murmurs. “He’s not gonna hurt you.” He resumes the slow petting, running his palms in long strokes down her neck. She relaxes a little, though still anxious, and doesn’t move away when Benny begins his exam. “That’s it,” he murmurs softly. “Good girl.” He glances over to Cas, who’s grinning, before looking down at Benny again. “Why doesn’t she like you?”

Benny chuckles. “Well, back when we found her she was in pretty rough shape. I had to do a lot of work on her to get her healthy, and I don’t think she’s ever forgiven me. This right here is the best this has ever gone. I’ve never seen her trust anybody like that.”

Dean feels himself flush, glad that Benny is preoccupied with his exam. “That’s what Cas said. I don’t know why.”

Benny smiles. “Well, that’s the interesting thing about horses. Sometimes they just have a sense about people. You must be special.” Part of him wants to argue, to insist that there’s nothing special about him at all, but instead he just focuses on his petting until Benny is done. “She looks good,” he says finally when he lets himself out of the stall. “There’s still a couple months to go, but everything looks healthy.”

Dean lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as Cas nods. “Good. You think she’ll be able to handle the birth?”

The vet hesitates. “Honestly, I think it’ll depend on her reaction. If her instincts kick in like they should, I think she’ll be fine. But there is always the chance that she panics. Either way, we’ll be here to help her through it,” he says, patting her side affectionately. Dean nods, smiling at the answering huff into his palm.

Later, when Cas heads upstairs, Dean takes a breath and follows him into his room, despite not having been invited. To his relief, Cas seems pleased, glancing over at him as they get ready for bed. “So,” he says finally, “How was today? Not too much?”

Dean shakes his head. “No, it was okay. Actually, it was kinda nice. It felt like…real life.” He doesn’t say what he’s thinking, that it’s much better than the nightmare he lived before, but Cas seems to get it anyway. “You were right,” Dean says quietly after a minute. “I do really like Charlie. And Benny. They’re nice.”

Cas nods, smiling. “I’m glad. They like you too.” He reaches over to the light, turning it off. “Night Dean.” Dean waits until the light is turned off, then slips closer. Cas doesn’t mention it, just wraps an arm around him and closes his eyes.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm the worst, I totally forgot I was supposed to be updating this. Sorry! Life has been crazy (for reference, yesterday I got slapped and elbowed in the throat- preschool is a contact sport) but now you get this super special Saturday edition woo!

Surprisingly, the scream that wakes Dean up isn’t his own. He looks around for a moment, disoriented and confused, before hearing the harsh, panted breaths beside him. He can tell from the movement of the sheet that Cas is trembling, that he’s holding back sobs in an effort not to disturb him. Dean hesitates, unsure of what to do. Comforting people isn’t exactly one of his skills, but he wants to, knowing how much it meant to him when Cas was there. Cautiously, he reaches out, trying not to flinch when Cas looks up suddenly.

_You have to breathe_ , Cas tells himself, struggling to erase the image of pale, tiny hands slipping from his grasp. It helps, but just barely. Suddenly, he realizes that there’s a hand on his shoulder, and he looks up at a worried Dean. He leans into the touch gratefully, and the other man hesitates for a moment before hugging him lightly. “It’s okay,” Cas hears. “You’re safe.”

He calms down after a few minutes, sighing before he looks up. “I’m sorry,” he says sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Dean shakes his head, a cautious hand running down Cas’ arm as he turns the light on. “Don’t be sorry,” he says softly, nearly smiling at the strange turn this has taken. “Was it…about him? Luke?”

Cas eyes widen in surprised, and he glances over at the picture on the nightstand. “Yes,” he whispers finally. “I didn’t know you knew about him.”

Dean shrugs a little. “I asked Charlie. I didn’t mean to pry, but…it seemed important. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how terrible that must’ve been. And I’m sorry I asked her.”

Cas looks at him for a minute before a small smile lifts the corners of his mouth. “It’s alright, I’m not upset. I suppose I can’t ask you to share personal details about your life if I’m not willing to do the same.”

Dean relaxes a little, relieved. “So…what was it about?”

“I just keep picturing his little face…” Cas murmurs. “It doesn’t happen often, but when it does…”

 Dean nods, getting braver, his hand slipping around to rub circles into Cas’ back. “Did you ever…talk to someone about it?” he asks. “After the accident, I mean?”

 Cas shakes his head. “No. In hindsight, I probably should have. But I thought I could handle it.”

 Dean nods slowly, understanding more than Cas can imagine. He knows what it’s like to push things so far down you can’t see them anymore. “Would you talk to someone…if I did?” he asks carefully.

 Cas looks at him curiously. “Do you want to talk to someone?”

 Dean hesitates, biting his lip for a moment. “I…don’t know. Do you…think it’d help?”

 “I think it would. You’d have to discuss some difficult memories and feelings, but I think it would help with your nightmares. It’s perfectly alright, if you want to.”

 He sighs, frowning. “Not…yet. I don’t think I can yet. Can I just…talk to you for now?”

 Cas smiles. “Of course you can. You can always talk to me. And if you decide you’d like to talk to someone else too, all you have to do is let me know, alright?”

 Dean nods, relieved. “You can talk to me too, if you want,” he adds after a moment.

 Cas nods back. “Thank you. I will.” They leave the discussion there, both too tired to continue, but after Cas falls asleep, Dean looks up to find a smile on his face.

 

  

* * *

 

 

Dean is in love. It hits him like a thunderbolt one morning a few days later, while he’s watching Cas flip pancakes as he hums to himself. It’s startling in more ways than one; he can’t remember ever feeling like this before. He’s crazy, he knows, because he’s only known the man for a few weeks, and it’s impossible that anyone could love him anyway. He knows that there’s no way his feelings could ever be reciprocated, and that it’s going to hurt even though he already sees it coming. Still, something in him can’t let go, and he marvels at the strange and beautiful creature standing at the stove. After a few minutes he realizes that Cas is staring at him. “…everything okay?” he asks.

 Dean nods quickly, embarrassed. “Yeah, I was just…thinking about how…you’re not real.”

Cas’ expression turns amused, the corners of his mouth turning up. “I’m not real?”

 A smile slips out of Dean, and he shakes his head. “You can’t be,” he says. “I mean, you found this…snarling, wounded animal out in the pouring rain one night and you just…took him home. What kind of person does that? I wouldn’t even look at you. I could’ve been a serial killer on the run, for all you knew. Real people don’t do stuff like that for weird, mute strangers. So you can’t be real.”

Cas chuckles, shrugging. “That’s a pretty solid argument. And I suppose there’s always the possibility of someone being an escaped convict. But I had a good feeling about you. You do make a good point. You could be right. But if I’m not a real person, then what am I?”

Dean thinks for a moment, then smiles. “An angel,” he answers before he can stop himself.

Cas laughs, setting a plate down in front of him. “I’m not so sure about that. Eat up.”

Dean digs into his pancakes happily. “Is Charlie coming over today?” he asks through a forkful.

“She had to work,” Cas answers, “But she said she’ll be over for dinner.”

Dean nods, smiling. Over the last few weeks he’s grown used to Charlie’s presence, even enjoying it most of the time. Mostly, he’s glad that someone comes to check on Cas. “So, it’s just us today?”

“Actually, some of the kids from town are coming to do the chores. But I told them to leave Baby for you. Benny said she’s far enough along that we can let her out a little today, and I thought you might like to take a ride and see more of the grounds. I have a couple of appointments this afternoon, but maybe after that?”

A spark of excitement leaps up in Dean’s chest “Really?”

Cas chuckles. “Yes. I mean, you should still take it easy, but I think if we keep it at a walk you’ll be fine. Only if you want to, of course.” Dean nods enthusiastically, and Cas laughs. “Okay. Good.”

After breakfast is cleaned up they head out to the barn. Most of the people there ignore him, which he’s particularly grateful for. He wanders up to the stall, smiling at the soft nicker that answers. “Can we take her out now?” he asks.

Cas smiles, nodding. “Sure. Why don’t you put her on a lead and take her out in the ring for a while?”

Dean nods, slowly leading her out of the stall and through the gate. She follows him in circles happily for a while until he unclips the lead and lets her wander on her own. “So why isn’t she allowed out with the others?” he asks Cas, sitting on the fence.

“Well, she was pretty early in her pregnancy when we got her, and she wasn’t real comfortable with the other horses. Considering the kind of shape she was in, we were worried that the stress would make her lose the baby. And it was only recently that she was strong enough herself for any kind of activity. Since then we’ve been working her like this, a little at a time to get her strength back up.”

He considers her, watching her trot around the fence until she stops in front of him again. “Will she take a rider?”

Cas smiles, petting her gently. “Honestly? We’re not sure. We think she was trained for it, at

least a little, but none of us wanted to risk it since she’s been here. Something to work on later.”

Dean nods, smiling as she wanders around the ring again. “I really hope it goes okay. She deserves it.”

“I think she’ll be alright,” Cas answers. “She’s a pretty tough little thing. She fought for that baby. And she’ll have all of us to help her through it.” He leans against the fence, watching Dean put her through her paces for a while, then walks beside them as he leads her back into the barn to brush her down. “I’m going to go check on the others,” Cas says after a few minutes. “I’ll be back in a few.”

 Dean nods, continuing his work and humming softly to himself. He’s just putting Baby back in her stall when he’s startled out of his thoughts by a shout from outside. He looks out just in time to see one of the younger volunteers come unseated, landing hard on the ground. Without thinking, he jumps the fence, kneeling beside her. He hadn’t actually thought about what he’d do once he got this far, but he takes a deep breath as the frantically wheezing girl stares up at him. “Hey, you’re okay,” he starts softly. “Just stay still, alright? I know it’s hard, but you have to calm down. Just try to take one deep breath for me, okay?” She nods a little, reaching out for his hand and holding on tightly. He’s vaguely aware of someone moving the horse to the side and someone else going to get Cas, but all he can focus on is the girl. He smiles when she manages something more than a wheeze. “There you go. What’s your name?”

“Kaylie,” she whispers back.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kaylie. I’m Dean. You’re gonna be alright, okay?”

Cas appears on the girl’s other side, frowning in concern. “What happened?”

The girl just shakes her head, looking up at Dean. “I didn’t see the whole thing,” he answers. “But she got thrown and landed pretty hard. I think she just got the wind knocked out of her a bit.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” Kaylie says, starting to breathe better. “He just got spooked.”

Cas smiles, nodding. “I know, honey. Don’t worry about it. I’m just going to make sure you’re not hurt, okay?” He examines her carefully, checking for injuries. “It doesn’t look like anything is too bad,” he says finally. “Think you can stand? We’ll take you back to the house and double check.”

The girl nods, so Cas takes one side while Dean takes the other, carefully pulling her to her feet. With one arm around each of their shoulders, she balances between the two of them, and they slowly walk back to the house, setting her down carefully in the office. She smiles sheepishly, looking up at them. “I’m really sorry about this…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean answers, smiling. “It’s nice to get to help someone else for a change.”

After a careful check, Cas lets the girl go home with instructions to rest. He turns to Dean, smiling. “Thanks.”

Dean shrugs sheepishly. “It was nothing. I just wanted to help. Honestly, I didn’t really know what I was doing.”

Cas chuckles. “Well whatever it was, it worked. It’s good to know that you’re good in a crisis. And I think you have a new admirer.”

 

* * *

 

In the afternoon, Dean sits on the couch flipping channels while Cas sees his patient. There’s a soft knock on the door before Charlie lets herself in, grinning as she sinks down beside him. “Hey!” she greets cheerfully. “I hear you’re something of a hero.” She nudges him lightly until he laughs.

“Is that what they’re saying now? It wasn’t that big a deal. You didn’t miss much.” He hesitates, glancing towards the door to Cas’ office. When he looks back, he finds a slow smile threatening to overtake Charlie’s face. “…What?” he asks cautiously.

“You should see what you look like when you’re thinking about him. It’s pretty adorable.”

Dean feels himself go red, quickly schooling his expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he mumbles. “What are you, a shrink or something?”

Charlie laughs. “Only on my days off. And that’s bullshit. You love him, don’t you?”

“I do not!” he protests. “I’m just…grateful, you know? He did save my life and everything.”

She shakes her head. “It’s more than that. You can’t lie to me, Dean. I can read people. This is more than gratitude.”

Dean sighs, exasperated. “Okay, maybe. But this is insane, Charlie. I’ve known the guy all of…what, three weeks now? How can I be in love with him? No. I’m just feeling this way because he’s nice, and I’m not used to people being nice to me. It’s just that I was operating on automatic for so long, and now that I’m back online everything is more intense. That’s all it is. It has to be, right?”

Charlie considers it for a moment. “Well, do you feel that way about me?”

“No,” he answers immediately. “I mean, nothing against you, it’s just…”

She laughs. “None taken. You’re not exactly my type. But I’m nice to you too, aren’t I? I mean, I get the whole saving you thing, but that was a month ago. I don’t know if that kind of hero worship lasts that long. Why can’t you believe than your feelings are real? Is it the gay thing?”

He feels himself go red again. “No. I mean, not really. I just… I don’t know if I could deal with the inevitable.”

Charlie frowns a little. “The inevitable?”

“He couldn’t…he couldn’t love me back, Charlie,” he answers quietly.

“And just why not?”

He gives her a sharp look. “I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve basically been a whore for the last ten years? Because I’ve had sex with so many guys I couldn’t even give you a ballpark estimate? Because I can’t get through one single night without nightmares and panic attacks?” It comes out angrier than he intends, but once he starts he finds he can’t stop. “I’m just…I’m broken, Charlie. Beyond all repair. And don’t try to tell me I’m not. He can’t love me like that. He shouldn’t. He deserves so much better. And if I let myself believe that I actually love him, it’s only going to hurt worse when he doesn’t. Consider it self-preservation.” Charlie stays quiet for a moment, considering him silently. “I’m sorry,” he adds, quieter. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

A small smirk forms in the corner of her mouth. “Dean, if you think that a little angry ranting is going to scare me off, you don’t know anything. Actually I’m kind of glad. I’ve never seen you this fired up about anything before.”

“You’re…glad?” he asks, puzzled.

She shrugs. “Yeah, kinda. I mean, this obviously means something to you. Don’t you think the fact that you’re so scared of being hurt means that this might be for real?”

“It doesn’t matter, Charlie,” he murmurs. “It’s not going to happen.”

She frowns at him. “I still don’t see why not.”

“Were you listening?” he asks dryly.

“Of course I was. And I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you’re not broken. I’ve never really been one for sugarcoating. But ‘beyond all repair’ seems a little harsh, don’t you think? Look, I know you were a participant in some bad stuff, but you didn’t choose any of that. You were forced into it. It wasn’t your fault, and Cas knows that as well as I do. And yes, it’s going to take a long time to deal with the repercussions of that, but your life isn’t over. I really think you’re underestimating him. You think he would reject you just because your life isn’t perfect? Neither is his. Everyone has their demons.”

Dean sighs, looking up at her. “I don’t think he’d reject me because my life isn’t perfect. He’s too good for that. I think he’ll reject me because I’m just…unlovable.”

Charlie frowns again. “Why on earth would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” he murmurs. “It’s just always been the truth. Even before everything.”

She sighs, and he watches her internal debate for a moment. “Okay,” she says finally. “I’m not going to tell you that you’re being an idiot and you’re possibly the most lovable idiot I’ve ever known, because that won’t change your mind. But I want you to do me a favor, okay?”

“What is it?” he asks warily.

She smiles. “Just…don’t lose faith in him yet, okay? He’s a little oblivious sometimes, but…give it some time. He might surprise you.”

Dean sighs, but nods reluctantly. “Okay. I’ll try. Just…don’t tell him.”

“That’s all I ask.” She grins, putting an arm around his shoulders. “Don’t worry. As your self-appointed best friend, your secrets are safe with me.”

Dean snorts, but he can’t help the smile that slips across his face. “Okay. Thanks.” 

After a few more minutes the office door opens, and Cas escorts his patient out before returning to them. “I always miss out on all the fun,” he teases lightly.

“It’s your fault for working so hard,” Charlie answers. “You should follow the rest of us and be a little more lazy.”

Cas chuckles. “You wouldn’t love me half as much if I did that. Now, who’s ready to go exploring?”

They head back to the barn, and Charlie snickers as they pass Baby’s stall. “Your girlfriend is going to be jealous,” she grins, nudging his shoulder.

Dean laughs, petting her lightly as he passes. “I’m sure she’ll forgive me. I don’t think she likes the look of that saddle one bit.”

Cas glances over at him, considering him for a moment. “Do you want to ride with me or try it by yourself?”

Dean frowns, not looking at Charlie’s rather obvious encouragements. “Um…I’ll…go with you, if that’s okay. It’s…been a long time,” he answers finally, pointedly ignoring her wiggling eyebrows.

“Sure,” Cas answers, oblivious. “If you want to get into it again, we can have you practice a little in the ring tomorrow. It’d probably be good for you.” Dean nods in agreement, waiting until Cas is mounted and slips his foot out of the nearest stirrup to make room for him, taking his hand. Dean takes a deep breath, wishing his strength and coordination were what they used to be, before attempting to climb up. Cas’ grip on his hand tightens, and he pulls him most of the way, but at least he makes it. Dean takes a deep breath, finding Cas’ back pressed closely against his chest, and finding that, even more surprisingly, he doesn’t hate it. “You might wanna hold on until you get the hang of it,” Cas suggests, and Dean bites his lip, grateful that he’s out of sight as he slips his arms around Cas’ waist.

He lets himself lean forward as they start along a path, figuring he could blame the small shift on the gentle motion of the horse, though Cas doesn’t protest. He and Charlie chat easily while Dean takes in the forest surrounding the trail. It really is beautiful, though it’s a little hard to focus on anything other than the solid heat of Cas’ body. He knows he doesn’t technically need to hold on anymore, but he can’t bring himself to move. For a brief moment, he lets his mind wander to a place where he and Cas can do this whenever they want; where his nightmares are a thing of the past and he doesn’t panic for a moment when Cas reaches for him. He’s pulled out of his fantasy when they stop by the bank of a small river. Cas points up to a ledge that the water rushes over. “Sometimes in the winter it freezes over,” he says. “It’s really pretty. Maybe I’ll get to show you one day.”

Dean nods and smiles, watching as Cas’ hand pets lightly along his horses neck. “Hey Cas?” he asks carefully. “Would you mind if…I tried steering on the way back?”

Cas smiles, turning to look at him. “Not at all. Here…” He carefully dismounts, waiting for Dean to scoot towards the front before climbing up behind him. His hands settle on Dean’s hips, and Dean draws in a breath at the slight tingle that runs through him. After a moment he relaxes back against him, turning the horse around and starting back towards home. Cas’ thumbs rub absently over his hipbones as he talks, and Dean smiles to himself. They arrive back at the barn far too quickly for his liking, and Cas slides away from him before reaching up to help him down. “So, how did it feel?” Cas asks. “Getting back in the saddle again, I mean.”

Dean flushes a little, smiling. “Good. It was really…good.” It’s mostly quiet while they put the horses away, but when Dean looks up he finds Charlie grinning at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to leave me a review if you liked it, I love hearing from you! I promise I'll try to remember the updating thing!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo for updates! I'm pretty fond of this chapter, hope you guys like it!

When Cas wakes up, he frowns at the emptiness beside him. Looking around groggily, he squints at the light coming from the bathroom door, and suddenly he’s aware of a high, desperate sound. Cursing under his breath, he jumps up, looking in the open door to find Dean on his knees, hyperventilating and dry heaving over the toilet. “Dean? Hey, take it easy. I’m here.”

When he looks up, there’s a frantic desperation in his eyes. “I did it, Cas,” he mumbles, his eyes wide. “I shouldn’t have done it but I did it, I did it and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, and it won’t stop…”

Cas shushes him softly, frowning. “Did what? Dean, what happened?” Dean just shakes his head, choking out words that don’t make sense in between retching. “Dean, honey, I can’t understand you. I need you to calm down for me, okay?”

Dean gives a frightened whimper, and Cas frowns at how pale he is. He takes a breath to steady himself, then begins running the fingers of one hand through Dean’s hair lightly, speaking softly to him while he finds a washcloth with the other hand, running it under the cold water for a moment before squeezing it out. “It’s going to be okay, Dean,” he says calmly, carefully sinking to his knees behind the man. “I’m right here with you now. We’re going to make it stop, I promise.” Slowly, Cas reaches out, wrapping his arms around Dean’s body and gently pulling him back into his chest. Dean fights him for a moment, scrambling for purchase against the porcelain, but once he realizes what’s happening he turns halfway to bury himself in Cas’ chest, shuddering violently as he holds on so tightly Cas can feel nails digging into his back.

It was a mystery why Dean was always more willing to be touched when he was distressed, even occasionally seeking it out in a way he never did when he was calm. Cas would’ve thought, given his background, that the contact would be alarming in such a state, but instead it seemed to soothe him a little, and Cas certainly wasn’t complaining. His best guess is that it’s somewhat of a cry for help; something to hold Dean to reality when he feels it slipping away, and Cas is always careful to keep his touch gentle and not give Dean even a hint of being trapped. He didn’t do well with restriction, which they’d both learned the night he’d woken up screaming, hopelessly tangled in the sheets. Still, the gentle reassurance seems to help, bringing Dean out of his head enough to take a few breaths. Tonight, though, Cas can sense a difference; can see it in the tension that holds him stiff and the rattle of his uneasy breaths. Whatever he dreamed about, it had to be bad, much worse than his usual nightmares, and worse even than the nights he wakes up disoriented and Cas has to bring him back, talking him down until he knows where he is again.

He pulls the washcloth from the counter, folding it in half and pressing it gently to the back of Dean’s neck, feeling his breaths hiccup. “Alright. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

“’M gonna throw up,” he mumbles into Cas’ neck.

“It’s alright if you do,” Cas assures him. “I won’t be mad. But I think if you take a few slow breaths that feeling will go away. Think you can try that for me?”

Dean shakes his head so fast he chokes on his next breath, looking up at him. “I can’t…” he whimpers. “You don’t know…what I did…I can’t…”

Cas shushes him softly, frowning at the blue tinge starting to color his lips, tilting his chin up. “Dean, honey, listen to me. Whatever it is, we’re going to deal with it, I promise, but right now I need you to focus on breathing before you pass out. I’m right here. There’s no rush. Just try to take one breath, okay?”

Dean manages a nod, staring up at him with wide eyes. “Count…” he chokes out. “Please.”

Cas nods, relieved at the request, because at least Dean is with him. He starts counting out breaths, gradually slowing until Dean calms down, the color flooding back into his features. “You doing alright?” he asks after a while.

Dean nods, resting his forehead just under Cas’ collarbone as he takes shaky breaths. “Don’t leave me...” he whispers. It doesn’t really make sense, Dean knows. After all, this is Cas’ house. But the words he wants to say – _Don’t make me leave, don’t make me do this by myself_ – are far too big to escape the tightness of his throat.

But somehow, Cas seems to understand what he means anyway. “Never,” he murmurs, rubbing gently along his spine. “I’m not going anywhere. Just relax for me.” Dean continues to shiver for a few minutes, but his grip finally loosens, and he looks up at Cas cautiously. Cas smiles a little. “Do you still feel like vomiting?”

He shakes his head. “No. I think it’s over.”

“Good,” Cas answers. “Are you ready to talk about this?”

Dean swallows, but nods. “Yeah. I guess.” Cas gives him a reassuring smile before gently pulling him up from the floor. Dean leans against him heavily, too tired to do anything but follow. Once back in the bedroom, Cas turns on the light and pulls Dean into his lap again. He stays quiet, looking at him expectantly while Dean considers what to say. “Well,” he says finally, “You know…that contraption I told you about? The one they used to put us in?” Cas nods patiently. “It was…kind of about that.”

“So it was a memory of you being stuck in there?” he asks.

Dean shakes his head a little. “Not…me. See, whenever they got a new person, they’d have to…train him. They’d put him in there and make us all watch. And usually they would make us…” He flushes, glancing away. “Help.”

When he glances up, he finds Cas looking stunned, the color drained from his face. “They made you…participate?” he asks finally.

“I didn’t want to,” Dean says quickly, a desperate edge leaking into his voice. “I refused. I fought it for a long time. But if you didn’t cooperate and do what they wanted, then you were next, and after a while, I just…”

A sob escapes him, and Cas hugs him tighter. “Oh, Dean…It’s alright, I understand.”

Dean shakes his head. “It’s not! I’m just as bad as them! I’m just another monster!”

“You’re not a monster,” Cas says gently. Dean starts to protest, but he shushes him softly. “Dean, listen to me. You’re not. Really. I know you did something bad, but only because you didn’t have a choice. You did it out of self-preservation. You did what you had to do to hold onto some control in a terrible situation. That doesn’t make you a monster, it just makes you human. A monster wouldn’t feel this bad about it. You’re a good person, Dean.”

Dean sniffs, but seems to relax a little. “You…don’t hate me?” he asks cautiously.

Cas smiles. “Of course not. I could never hate you. Actually, I’m kind of proud of you. The more I hear about where you came from, the more impressed I am that you got through it without completely losing your mind.”

“Debatable,” Dean mumbles. “People with a firm grip on sanity don’t wake up screaming every night, or having…whatever that was.”

“Looked like a bad panic attack,” Cas says. “I’m sorry I didn’t wake up sooner. I must’ve been out cold.”

Dean shrugs. “Not your fault. I’m sorry I’m waking you up every night. It’s getting worse. It wasn’t half as bad when I was there.”

Cas chuckles. “Don’t worry about that. I don’t mind. And I promise it’ll get better. It’s just going to take some time for you to adjust. When you were there, you were probably too exhausted and drugged up to dream much. Now that you’re out, your brain has to learn to reintegrate those memories and deal with them. But it won’t be forever. And until then, I’m here for you. I promise. Okay?”

Dean sighs, but nods a little. “Okay.”

He smiles, keeping an arm around the man and reaching over for the TV remote, handing it to him. “Here.” Dean looks at it, puzzled, and Cas chuckles. “I don’t think you’re quite tired yet. We’ll leave the light on for a while.”

“Okay,” he says again, giving Cas a grateful look as he takes it. They end up watching an old western, and eventually Dean somehow ends up with his head in Cas’ lap, eyes half-closed as Cas’ fingers stroke rhythmically through his hair. He would shift, would try to wake himself up, but the calm feeling that’s settled over him stops him. Somehow he doubts that his nightmares will return like this, so he allows himself to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean expects breakfast to be a little awkward, but to his great surprise and gratitude, Cas doesn’t even mention what happened. What he’s not prepared for, however, is the curious look he gets. “Hey Dean?” he asks. “Do you have any family? Anyone we should try to find?”

“No!” Dean says immediately. “Well…maybe. I don’t know.” Cas just raises an eyebrow, waiting for him to go on. “I mean, I do have family,” he explains. “I just…I don’t think they want to see me.”

Cas frowns at that, puzzled. “Why wouldn’t they want to see you? After ten years, they must think you’re dead. Don’t you want them to know that you’re alive?”

Dean sighs. “I just… It’s complicated, Cas.” His intention is to stop there, but it’s probably as good a time as any. “My mom died when I was a kid. It was just my dad raising us. Which was fine, until I started, you know…he wasn’t exactly thrilled about my particular…persuasion.”

“Persuasion?” Cas asks.

Dean shrugs. “He wasn’t real happy about the idea of having a gay son, you know? I barely even spoke to him for a couple of years.” Cas makes a thoughtful sound, and Dean glances up at him. “What?”

“Nothing,” he says quickly. “I just…didn’t know.”

Dean frowns. “What, that I’m gay? Haven’t you been listening at all?”

Cas chuckles. “Of course I have. But it’s not like you exactly got a choice in your partners over the last ten years. I don’t think your captors would have been so kind as to consider your feelings on the matter.”

“It’s…not a problem, is it?” Dean asks cautiously.

He laughs. “No, of course not. Has Charlie not told you?”

Dean flushes. “No, she did. I just didn’t know…”

“Oh yes,” Cas says teasingly. “If you were straight, it’d be fine, but clearly this house is not big enough for two gay men to inhabit. It’ll just explode with the force of our fabulosity.”

Dean laughs, shoving him lightly. “You know what I mean. But yeah, I am. Not that it particularly mattered. My dad seemed to think I was whoring myself out or something, but the truth was I’d never actually…”

Cas’ expression tightens. “You were a virgin when they took you?”

“Well…I mean, not completely,” Dean says defensively. “I’d been with girls, back when I was trying to figure all that out. But I’d never actually done anything with guys before. But that didn’t actually seem to matter to him. For some reason, in his head, being gay meant I was having sex with anything and everything that had a penis.”

Cas rolls his eyes, and Dean snorts. “So that’s why you don’t want to tell him?” Cas asks. “You think if he knew what happened he’d blame you for it?”

Dean shrugs. “That’s about the gist of it, yeah.”

“That’s fair,” he says. “Was it just you and him?”

Dean hesitates, biting his lip for a moment. “Not exactly. There was my little brother, Sam. We were close. I pretty much raised him. And there was our uncle Bobby and aunt Ellen. They were all pretty cool about it,” he says in answer of Cas’ questioning look.

“Okay. That’s good,” Cas says, looking somewhat relieved. “So why don’t you want to find them?” Dean stays quiet, staring down at the table. “You think they’d blame you too?” he asks.

Dean shrugs. “I don’t know. I mean, part of me thinks they’d understand. They were good people. But the thought of telling them what happened…they’re going to want to know, but I just can’t do it yet, you know? I don’t think I could handle the looks on their faces…and besides, I’ve probably been dead to them for years now. What right do I have to just show up in their lives again?”

Cas frowns a little. “Well, I understand not wanting to talk yet, but they are your family, Dean. They’re people who obviously mean a lot to you, and who love you. I’m sure their happiness at finding you again would be far greater then the disruption to their lives. Everyone needs a family, whether you’re born into one or create one yourself.”

“What about you?” Dean shoots back. “Your family is a bunch of dicks. You don’t talk to them.”

“That’s true,” Cas answers. “Not most of them, anyway. But I have Charlie. We might not be related, but she’s still my family. She cares about me. I’m not saying you should call them right now and tell them all the terrible details. I’m just saying it’s something to think about. I think they’d really like to know that you’re alive.”

Dean considers it thoughtfully for a second. “Alright,” he says finally. “I’ll think about it. But not yet. I’m not ready to see them yet.” He thinks for a moment. “Hey…Cas? Do you think you could…help me look up my brother? I don’t really want to…talk to him yet, but I’d…like to know that he’s okay.”

Cas smiles, nodding. “Yeah, sure.”

 

* * *

 

 

After breakfast they end up on the couch, Cas’ laptop settled between them. He looks over at Dean curiously. “I’ve just realized I don’t know your last name.”

Dean chuckles. “Winchester,” he answers. “I don’t think I know yours either.”

“Novak. Alright, well there’s probably a lot of Sam Winchesters in the world, so let me know if anyone looks familiar.”

He scrolls slowly through the search results, and Dean examines the pictures carefully. On the second page he reaches out to stop Cas’ hand. “That one. There. That’s him.” Cas nods, clicking on the name and taking a look over the profile. “He went to college. Stanford. And it looks like he’s in law school.”

Dean smiles faintly, then bites his lip and reaches out for the laptop. “Do you mind if I…?”

“Sure, of course,” Cas answers, handing it over. “I’m gonna go put the laundry in. I’ll be back in a few.”

Dean watches him go before taking a breath and starting to explore Sam’s profile for himself. He clicks through the pictures for a while, marveling in how much has changed. Hesitating, he listens for movement from the laundry room before opening a new tab and typing his own name. Very little comes up, mostly a few newspaper clippings about his disappearance. But there’s an article about Sam too. It says that while at Stanford he created a program for siblings of missing persons. There was a quote from him explaining why he decided to create the group. _My brother went missing when I was fourteen. It was really tough, getting through those teenage years without him. I wanted other kids like me to have people they could lean on._

He doesn’t notice Cas’ return until he sits down beside him again. “Find anything good?” Dean turns the computer around so he can see. Slowly, Cas smiles. “It sounds like he really misses you.”

Dean nods, flipping back to the pictures. He looks at it for a long time, trying to find the boy he knew in the man in front of him, with his arm around a blonde girl that Dean has never met. “He’s so tall,” he says finally. “I mean, he was gangly at fourteen but I never imagined…He looks happy.”

Cas nods. “He does. That’s a good thing, right?” he asks, seeing the complicated emotions flickering across Dean’s expression.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s great. I’m glad. I just…I don’t want to ruin things for him, you know? I mean…just showing up in his life again…I don’t know anything about who he is now.  I wasn’t there.”

Cas sighs softly, putting an arm around Dean’s shoulders. “I know it feels that way. But I really don’t think having his brother back in his life would ruin it. I mean, it’d take a little adjustment for both of you, but…he obviously loves you.”

Dean seems to consider this for a long moment. “Yeah. I’d like to see him again. But I have to get myself together first. I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“Fair enough,” Cas nods. “Then that’s what we’ll aim for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there you go. Remember to review if you liked it, I really do love reading all your responses! Also, I don't think I've done a shameless plug about my tumblr so you can always find me at thesongsmithtumbles.tumblr.com, I'm nice, I promise!
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


	7. Chapter Seven

With each day that passes, Dean grows more and more frustrated with himself. Despite Cas’ reassurance that these things take time, and despite how much more comfortable he’s become in the day, the dark always brings him straight back to hell. It’s getting worse, in his opinion, instead of better. Cas helps, of course, but Dean still feels bad about it, and on nights when he doesn’t make enough noise to alert Cas to his nightmares he wakes up screaming and disoriented, hyperventilating for so long that he starts turning blue until Cas manages to calm him down. The dependence irritates him, not because he doesn’t like being around Cas, but because it’s completely unfair to the other man, who is never anything but patient with him. He hates that he’s tethered himself to Cas’ life like this; that he can’t get his shit together enough to handle this on his own.

He doesn’t tell Cas this, not until the night he wakes up with someone on top of him. He panics; landing a pretty solid blow against the chest of the person caging him in before he recognizes the worried blue eyes staring down at him. “Dean? Dean, can you hear me?” He manages a nod, wrapping his arms around Cas’ torso and pulling him down hard. Caught off guard, Cas slips against the sheets, his weight falling onto Dean’s chest. Somehow, the weight helps loosen the knot in his chest, and he hugs Cas tighter. “Sorry,” the other man says, trying to move away.

Dean shakes his head, not letting go. “Don’t,” he manages. “Helps…”

“The weight helps?” Cas asks. He nods, already taking deeper breaths. “Okay. I won’t move then.” It only takes a couple of minutes for Dean to calm down, his grip loosening. “You okay?” Cas asks cautiously.

He nods. “What happened?”

“You were having a night terror. I couldn’t wake you up, but you were moving around so much I thought you might fall off the bed and hurt yourself. Sorry if I scared you.”

“It’s okay,” Dean murmurs. “Sorry for trying to punch you.” Cas chuckles, slowly sitting up, and then, finding himself straddling Dean’s waist, moving to the side. It’s only when he turns the light on that Dean sees the trail of red down the side of Cas’ face. “Oh God. You’re bleeding!”

Cas frowns, reaching up to where he points, his eyebrows furrowing when his hand comes away bloody. “Oh.”

“I hit you, didn’t I? I’m so sorry Cas.”

Cas shakes his head, shushing him softly. “Hey, don’t worry about it. It wasn’t your fault. I’m fine, I promise. Come on, let’s go clean this up.” Hesitantly, Dean nods, following him into the bathroom and helping him wipe the blood from his face, putting pressure over the cut on his eyebrow.

“I really am sorry,” Dean murmurs. “For everything.”

Cas sighs. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. It was an accident. Nothing we can’t fix.”

“But it’s not just that,” he insists. “It’s everything. I’ve been here for two months and I’m not getting better. I’m just messing up your life.”

Cas frowns at him. “You’re not messing up anything, Dean. I like having you here.”

Dean scoffs. “I can’t imagine why. You haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in months because of me. It must be exhausting.”

“It’s not,” Cas says firmly. “And you’re also funny, and smart, and kind, and easy to talk to. You’re fun to have around. I like having you around, Dean. But I do agree that you need more help than I can give you.”

Dean frowns a little. “What does that mean?” he asks anxiously.

“Just that I think you should consider talking to somebody, that’s all.”

Dean considers it. “You want me to see a shrink?” he says hesitantly.

Cas shrugs. “I want you to talk to someone who can help you through this. Not that I don’t want you to talk to me, because I do, but I only took two psychology courses in med school, and I don’t want you to suffer any longer than you have to.”

“So I’d have to, like…lie on a couch and talk about my feelings, or whatever?”

Cas chuckles. “I don’t think they make you lie down anymore. But basically. Dean, it’s not a bad thing to get help. It doesn’t make you weak or anything like that. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem that you can’t fix on your own. I can’t make you do it, and I won’t try. But if you want to stop having these episodes, I think we’re going to need a little more help.”

Dean sighs softly, glancing up at him. “I don’t know how you do that.”

“Do what?” Cas asks, puzzled.

“That thing where you somehow know exactly what I’m thinking. It’s creepy.”

Cas laughs. “I’m just talented like that. I have some friends in the main hospital that could help. I’m sure they’d be happy to come out here and meet you.”

“Are they going to come medicate me and then declare me a success?”

Cas chuckles. Dean had a strong aversion to all types of medication. It was a struggle to even get him to take Tylenol when he was in pain. “They won’t, I promise. And they’re not going to have you committed, before you ask.”

Dean watches him for a moment, then sighs. “Alright. If you think it’ll help…I’ll give it a shot. But no men. And I don’t want to talk to a grandma about my sexual experiences.”

Cas grins, nodding. “Done.” He checks his cut in the mirror, nodding to himself and putting a small bandage over it. “There. Good as new. Hold on, I remembered something that might help.” He disappears downstairs, leaving Dean to wait in the bedroom. He returns carrying a blanket. “You said the weight helped, right?”

Dean nods cautiously, carefully taking the blanket when Cas holds it out. He frowns for a moment at the weight of it. “It’s heavy…”

Cas nods. “It’s a weighted blanket. They’re mostly used for people with autism, but other people say they’re really comforting. If having my weight on you helped, you might want to try sleeping with it.”

Dean shrugs, examining it curiously. “I guess it’s worth a shot.”

“Alright then,” Cas answers. “Let’s get some sleep.”

 

* * *

 

 

“So who is this chick again?” Dean asks, petting Baby anxiously.

“Her name is Meg,” Cas answers. “She’s a colleague of mine from the city hospital. She specializes in trauma cases like yours.”

Dean raises an eyebrow at him, disbelieving. “Cases like mine?”

“Okay, maybe not exactly like yours,” Cas concedes. “Yours is rather rare. But she handles cases of sexual trauma quite often, and she’s very good at what she does. I know you’re not thrilled, but I really think you’re going to like her.”

“Why’s that?” he asks doubtfully.

Cas shrugs. “Well, she’s pretty straightforward and direct. She’s definitely not going to dance around what happened. She won’t ask you bullshit questions like how you feel about something. And you’re certainly not going to make her blush.”

Dean sighs softly, considering it. “What’d you tell her, anyway?”

Cas chuckles, patting his shoulder lightly. “Easy, Dean. I didn’t go into details. I just said that you were a victim of sex-trafficking for a long time, and that you were having some nightmares and anxiety issues and wanted to deal with them. She doesn’t know anything beyond that. It’s up to you what you want to share with her.”

Dean gives a small smile, nodding. “Thanks, Cas. Um, will you….are you going to go with me? If I decide to do this?”

Cas bites his lip for a moment. “I hadn’t thought about it. I wouldn’t mind, if you wanted me to be there. But I wouldn’t be offended at all if you’d prefer to keep things between her and you. Why don’t we just take it as it comes and see how you feel? Today is just about meeting her and seeing what you think, anyway.”

Dean nods, relieved. “Okay.”

As if on cue, Cas’ phone beeps, and he glances down at it. “She’s at the gates. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Dean watches him disappear out the doors before sighing, trying to control his anxious fidgeting. He thinks for a moment, then slips into the stall beside Baby, closing the low door behind him. The half- barrier helps a little, and he manages a small smile when the horse beside him rubs her nose against his cheek, obviously sensing that something is wrong. “I’m okay,” he murmurs, rubbing her nose softly. “Just don’t go anywhere, alright?” She huffs a little, and he laughs, but it’s cut short when he hears the creak of the door. They’re talking softly as they approach, but the blood is pounding too hard in Dean’s ears for him to catch the low words.

Finally, Cas appears in front of him, leading a young woman. His expression tells Dean that he’s noticed his movement behind the door, but he doesn’t comment on it. “Dean, this is Meg. Meg, Dean.”

Meg gives a short nod and a half-smile, though her arms remain firmly crossed. “Nice to meet you, Dean.”

Dean takes a moment to assess the stranger. She’s not anything close to what he pictured. For one, she was much younger. Instead of the dress pants and sensible shoes he’d imagined, she wears dark blue jeans, a leather jacket pulled over her shirt. It takes a moment to realize that Cas is speaking to him. “Dean?” he prods lightly. Not admonishing, but worried. He must have taken longer than he thought.

“Um, yeah, nice to meet you too. Sorry, it’s just…you’re not anything like I thought you’d be.” Her smile widens a little at that, and she nods. “You didn’t try to shake my hand,” he observes after a moment.

Meg chuckles. “Well you don’t know me, and you’re nervous,” she answers coolly. “I can think of several unpleasant things that you’d rather do than have me touch you right now.”

Cas smiles a little, and Dean takes a deeper breath, leaning against the door. “Yeah, that’s probably true. Thanks.”

She shrugs a little. “I’m used to it.”

Dean watches her for another moment, then slowly lets himself out of the stall. “So…” he says awkwardly. “What are we supposed to talk about?”

Meg appraises him for a moment, and he thinks he catches a hint of amusement in her expression. “Well I guess that depends,” she answers. “What do you want to talk about?”

He knows he should be talking about himself, but that’s not what comes out. “How do you know Cas?”

Meg laughs softly. “We used to work together,” she explains. “The doofus spilled his soup on me one day, and I haven’t been able to get rid of him since.”

Cas makes a playful sound of protest, and Dean smiles a little. “Yeah, tell me about it. He almost hit me with his car, and I’ve been here ever since.”

Her laugh grows louder, and Cas sputters. “Are you two going to gang up on me now? That’s not fair!”

“Hey, you’re the one who asked me to come, Clarence,” she says, shoving him lightly. “It’s not my fault you haven’t learned by now how much I like teasing you.”

Cas rolls his eyes in mock-annoyance, and Dean smirks. He opens his mouth again, intending to say something about himself, but what escapes is something completely different. “Why do you do this?”

She quirks an eyebrow at him. “Why do I do what?”

Dean hesitates, feeling heat rise to his face. “Cas told me that you specialize in treating people like me. People dealing with sexual trauma. I guess I was sort of wondering…what makes a person want to do that?”

Meg looks thoughtful for a moment. “That’s a good question,” she says finally. “I guess I chose to do it because…I know what it’s like to have your life taken away from you like that. And I think people like you and me deserve to be listened to. We deserve to be happy. And if I can help someone get control of their life back, then I’ve done something good for the world.”

Dean looks at her for a moment, surprised. “You mean you…”

She shrugs a little. “Yeah. Not the same way as you. You’re something of a rarity. But yeah. I kinda get what you’re dealing with.”

He looks to Cas, wondering if he knew about this. Cas gives a slight nod. “Oh. Okay. Sorry, I shouldn’t ask, I just…”

Meg cuts him off. “Don’t apologize. Turnabout is fair play, after all.” She smirks. “It’s going to take a lot more than that to ruffle me.”

“I think that’s probably a good thing,” he answers. “I think I’m ruffled enough for the both of us.”

She laughs. “I’d imagine you are. Don’t worry, Humpty. Between Cas and me, we’ll put you back together again.”

Dean looks at her. “Hold on, how do you know I’m saying yes yet?” She just raises an eyebrow at him, and he huffs. “Yeah, okay.”

She walks a little ahead of them as they make their way back to the house, and Cas glances over at him. “You doing alright?” he asks cautiously.

“Surprisingly? Yeah,” Dean answers. “I don’t know how you did it…”

Cas chuckles. “One of my many talents. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

Dean smiles. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

 

At breakfast, Dean looks over at Cas, who’s deep in thought. “Got any plans for today? Appointments?” he asks.

Cas snaps out of his thoughts, shaking his head. “Nothing really. I’m thinking about cleaning out the basement.”

“Sounds exciting,” he chuckles. “Why now?”

Cas shrugs. “Well, there’s a lot of stuff down there that I kept from my marriage; stuff I haven’t looked at in years. And when Meg was talking about cleaning out our demons, I thought…it’s probably a good idea, you know?”

Dean nods. “Well I can help, if you want,” he offers.

“That would be great, thanks,” Cas smiles. After cleaning up, they head downstairs, and Dean looks around at all the boxes. “Sometimes I think they multiply when I’m not looking,” he sighs. “When I left the city, I just kind of packed everything up and took it along. I’m sure at least half of this stuff can be thrown out. I just wasn’t quite ready to do that at the time, and once I put it down here, it was easy to ignore.”

They start going through boxes, and Dean finds an old wedding photo. He examines it carefully, looking at Cas’ smile. “Did you love her?” he asks before he can stop himself.

Cas looks over his shoulder at the picture, shrugging. “I barely knew her when that was taken. I learned to care for her, eventually. She was the mother of my child. But I don’t think I ever loved her. It was a shame for both of us. She deserved better too.” Dean nods, carefully putting the picture down in the keep pile. They work their way carefully through the boxes, making it down to the last one. Cas chuckles as he pulls out a plastic box. “I remember this,” he says, opening it. “I bought it to impress her father. He was big into fishing, and when we found out we were having a baby he decided to take me out on his boat to celebrate. I bought all this stuff thinking it would help.”

Dean chuckles, starting to look through it. Cas turns to look at something else, startled when he hears a gasp and the soft clink of metal against cement as Dean scrambles away from the box, hitting the opposite wall. His breathing is too fast, and Cas frowns, crouching down in front of him, close enough to block out the rest of the room. “Easy, Dean. You’re okay. What’s wrong?”

Dean reaches out for him, squeezing his hand tightly. “H-Hooks,” he whispers.

Cas frowns, looking between the small fishhook on the floor and Dean’s terrified expression before he understands. “Somebody hurt you with them?” Dean’s small, answering nod makes him feel sick, and he watches as Dean runs his hands over himself as if he can feel them under his skin. Cas hugs him close, running his palms firmly over Dean’s back to reassure him as he presses his face to the side of Cas’ neck. “It’s alright; no one’s going to hurt you again.” Dean nods slowly, and Cas nearly smiles. Though he’s obviously frightened, Dean hasn’t let himself slip into a full out panic yet, and he can’t help but be proud. He hugs him a little tighter. “Trust me, Dean?” he asks. Dean nods again. “Okay. Let’s get you upstairs, yeah? You can stay just like that. I’ll help you with the stairs. I’ve got you.” He continues murmuring softly as he carefully walks Dean upstairs, sitting them both down on the couch. “There we go. All gone. Take your time.”

After a minute he feels Dean take a breath, slowly pulling back. “Sorry,” he says sheepishly. “I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t even remember until I saw it.”

“That’s alright. You did good. You kept it together. That’s kind of a big deal.”

Dean smiles slightly, nodding. “Yeah, I guess so. Actually, I’ve kinda been…thinking about it.”

“About what?” Cas asks curiously.

He shrugs sheepishly. “Working on this problem I have, with the needles and everything. It just…it sucks, you know? Any time I see something remotely sharp I panic. I was thinking maybe if I had more exposure to it, it wouldn’t be so bad.”

Cas nods thoughtfully. “Well, it makes sense. If you think you’re ready to work on it, I’ll gladly help. But why don’t we talk to Meg about it first? I don’t want to make anything worse.”

“Deal,” Dean agrees.

He looks warily towards the basement door, and Cas chuckles. “You wanna know something?”

“Hmm?”

Cas grins. “I kind of hate fishing.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next time Meg comes over, he brings it up, sitting on the couch beside Cas. She nods thoughtfully, considering it. “Cas? How do you feel about this idea?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I think it could help. But…I also don’t want him to be afraid of me if he panics.”

“Alright. Dean?”

Dean sighs. “I won’t be afraid of you. I trust you, Cas. I know you wouldn’t ever do anything malicious to me.”

“Do you know where this fear came from?” she asks curiously.

“It…happened a lot,” he explains. “If we passed out from exhaustion, or we got sick, we’d wake up in the med room, strapped down to a table with IVs in our arms until we could stand again. And they checked us constantly for everything, not so much for our sake but so we wouldn’t pass anything onto the clients. It’s bad business. And the drugs…if there wasn’t enough in our food to make us controllable, or we tried to fight too much, they’d inject us with them. Sometimes they did it for fun, when the guards got bored…if you take enough of that stuff you can’t even see straight.” He shivers, and Cas squeezes his hand lightly. “But I think the worst of it comes from the clients who used to do it. There wasn’t any purpose, they just…some people just like to hear you scream.” He swallows, pushing the thoughts from his head. “But I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I know Cas wouldn’t hurt me.”

Meg nods a little. “Well, I think it would be a good exercise to help you get more comfortable with the world. There are going to be times when you’ll need medical attention, and it would help if you didn’t go into panic attacks every time. What you’re proposing is called exposure therapy, and it’s something we use a lot for people with phobias. But I think we need to take it slow. That way you’ll get more comfortable, but you won’t be rushing yourself. Start with just being near one for a while and see how it goes from there. Why don’t I draw up a plan tonight and we’ll all go over it next time?”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Dean smiles. “Thanks.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo yeah. Let me know what you think! Much more to come, I promise! Hopefully the updating schedule will be fairly regular, as much as possible. Also you can always come chat with me over at thesongsmithtumbles.tumblr.com! I'm really nice I swear.
> 
> Love,  
> TheSongSmith


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